The last lecture

Nothing more I can add to this:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=362421849901825950&hl=en

Look up there! O friend...

Advanced warning: This blog has no sense of direction. So if you're one who will only read a one dimensional linear essay style plot/theme, I suggest you high tail it out of this web page and head over here ..You'll learn something and continue along the path of slowly destroying your soul. win/win :)

I jest of course, it is only by cultural pressures that we treat intellectual ideals and paradigms like three year old asses that need to be slapped. A sad state of affairs indeed, and one that did not always exist.

"Why?" My friend asks in a proportion that is kind to his A.D.D. "Why do you not want to do this?" "Why not that" "Why don't you drink some alcohol" "Why not try this" "Why not sleep over" "Why not go hunting ..." "Why do you care about physics?"

Through the course of our friendship I have been berated with these questions and have tolerated all but the last one, to which I responded, "You and I have different views of life. Whereas you are inclined to think of life in mere context of domestic nature, you necessarily must shut off all interest in the grand scheme of the universe. I am the exact opposite. The universe is the omega, the alpha, and the beta. It is where everything was born from, it is where everything will go, nothing transcends it in value, and it is the ultimate puzzle to which I must control. Control is the only thing a human is good for, and most minds seek to utilize their wills for domestic things for they give up on believing they can affect the vastness of everything. I view this as limiting what life is, by conceding it a limit to which it cannot transcend. I don't believe in limits, and I see that form of life as the ultimate depression via stagnation. Apathy and existentialism, are for fools who by narrowly focused ego's preserve their inert need to feel powerful, but shelter themselves from the true reality of their weak minded ambitions."
Sean hasn't asked me any more questions in a while.

Sean has developed into what I predicted he would.
He lives by the rules of society, his environment. For that is where his mind has been focused or perhaps molded to. He understands what he must do to achieve higher ranking and popularity and unfortunately for him, obstacles exist that bar him from achieving what he wants~ he has an extreme phobia from girls. Nevertheless, in this mindset he is willing to do what is deemed proper by society to achieve his goals. Stereotypically cool things like airsofting, stealing, alcohol, parties, but not cigarettes (because cigarettes are now denounced by society) are things he utilizes to compensate for his shortcomings. He does have a moral outlook, but it lends him little inertia towards doing things that are illogical but his desire for fun and adrenaline often trumps any "good-boy" qualities. He'd gladly go out and shoot ducks with his airsoft gun just for the feeling it gives him... and when I refuse and take the gun from him, he doesn't understand... it's not like it's causing any pain to us or him... why must I refrain from doing fun activities? What's wrong with "me?" I try to teach him but I'm afraid I'm fighting an uphill battle. Intellectuals are lame. Remember? He's more inclined to listen to a pedophile talk about drugs than me talk about moral philosophy.

(Ha.. perhaps the reason I berate him so is because I feel like I can not control him from society. Thus, I denounce him as any human denounces what it can not manipulate and control.)

But we do have fun. When it's good and clean. And he has taught me a lot too.. He has taught me to come out of my shell and participate with others. To not be so offended by society and to take risks I otherwise would never have. Perhaps if we could find a medium to where we compromise we'd be the perfect beings. Ha...

I love riding on his boat. Wakeboarding. Skiing. Talking about "Fiiiiiiishin" and just the way the water sprays on my body in a cool mist sheltering me from the Texas sun. It's that conquering of nature, the establishing of equilibrium in the face of adverse conditions that makes one feel in so control. So powerful. So mighty. and ... so lonely. The boat itself just represents another compensatory tool for Sean, who purchased it without the financial backing to do it... but it's fun and fun trumps logic. If it doesn't.. then you're a nerd and boring and lame...remember?

But Sean, Sean does have a self-conscious, it's just not always present. He's a nice guy, and when it comes down to it.. whether his intent is evil or not, he'd help anyone out with any kind of crisis. He does have somewhat a direction in life, and he has never gotten into a fight. Despite his insecurity when it comes to girls, he's very secure when it comes to socializing with friends. He'll invite anyone to come along, and we often have 12-15 people play airsoft with us... 20-30% of whom the rest of the posse never met.. because Sean knows these guys don't have friends, and he doesn't judge them and allows them to have a life with us... it's what we did when we first met.. neither of us had much of a life, but we started being friends and I'm glad I never turned my back. Sean, I would contend.. would do anything for me and I anything for him should the need arise. Sean may use society to dictate to him how to act in things where he's unsure of himself, but where he does have ideas.... in treating other "human" people.. he is completely at odds with society and fashions his own original being that I think, if nurtured... would lead him to success.

We all look to our environment to conduct ourselves in ways it dictates.. if we don't have our own niche to do so. It's just like the market place... If I have a hammer, how do I know what to sell it for? it could be 5$ in America... but in Africa it could go for 25$ ... I let the market tell me what to sell it for... in this way, we all have goals... we all want friends, a sex life, and experiences... well what is the "price" of those things? One quickly finds out that one must conduct themselves in the behavior or mannerisms of what is cool in order to bargain love and friends... unless of course, one finds a niche in the market that directly complies ith their personality traits.. I know for a fact that if I try and walk into a school with a physics book and suspenders people will quickly label me an outcast and I'll be what furbies are now... a lame product.

But I have strong beliefs, and I do believe that a life that is currently pursued by this society is not a life worth living.. thus I search for the one who complies with me... who values intellectual pursuits... who inspires me.. and who I inspire them...

why has society lost its way so? Heh... that's a whole nother essay

Where is that blues music coming from?

*Key in mission impossible music* I'm writing this blog at my own peril as the scurrying of claws from my apparently rabies infected cats are swarming all around me. I know the risk, (cat scratch fever is a bitch!) but seriously, this one is necessary. Really necessary, as we all get ready for that routine sleep tonight, unbeknown to us the toils of others, the thoughts, concerns, or pains of the world at large as the moon crawls to the sky inconspicuous to us within our walled-in abodes. We all know it is there, but as it is not in our immediate line of vision we pay it no mind. I pay it mind. I've payed it mind against my will for many a night. More than I care to recount, that it has become more acquainted with me than any of my friends, and for that it is my burden to bear. Now I've slept, and do wonder, who now bears the burden, who must see that which I've seen, who else out there in this great big world, with the many people, possesses the guilty eyes?

I've seemed to have developed a bad habit. One finds one will develop many of those with an infinite supply of curiosity. Myspace searching. Basically when I find the time has been stretched and my mind wanders, I look at random peoples myspaces to see what they're up to and learn about strangers and how they're getting along in life and the dramas they may face. Yes yes, I know, weird, but in my defense at least I can say my intent was innocuous! A ticklish thing then occurred when on one of my random excursions I stumbled upon a domestic sighting. An old classmate, hardly acquainted enough to even be called acquaintances, this guy was primo popular at my high school. He had all sorts of jokes and witty responses that there were times I wish the teacher would just shut up and let this guy speak. He made me laugh so, of course I never directly talked to him, I was much to shy and unconfident. I would listen to him talk to others and make his class clown remarks, and it in turn provided a bright thing to look forward to during my typical shitty high school days of advanced calculus and tackling drills. (try mixing the two - it's fun) Well. Anyways, I was always jealous of his social skills, and the number of friends he had. Gosh, he probably could have picked any girl he wanted, with just a point of his finger and bam! the girl would be letting him play with her belly button piercing or something without ever knowing him!

Ironic it was then when I happened on to his blogs. I would link them, but out of privacy reasons and personal property I think I should refrain. They were like something directly out of Edvard
Munch's "scream" painting. With heart wrenching sentences of how apathetic and depressed he was. How he didn't care for anything, and the chronic pain and feeling had robbed him of enjoying anything, how he wished he could sleep for eternity and never wake... how he's been struggling with suicide attempts and infinite wells of emptiness. It went on and on and all the while I can not fathom that this person, who in all aspects of life was successful in the things that most men desire, could feel this way for so long. That beneath his shining exterior lurked this imp-like interior.

Most baffling, was how this could be, how this dichotomy could even exist. For in a personal light, I who have suffered so much from day to day, have never plunged into such deep pits of depression ~ and that's what he has ~ depression... and I never had the girlfriends or large amounts of friends or support that he did. Was he weak? Was he selfish? Whiney? All these things might be possible explanations for one not familiar with mental illness. I highly doubt anyone would be able to rationalize how a man could worry about say, having brain cancer every minute of the day for months on end... because if they could, they'd have it themselves. In this same way I could not rationalize why he was in so much pain without the aggressors to warrant his woe because I've never been that depressed before. Oh sure, psychiatrists will say anxiety/depression are inter-related... but these opinions are coming from people who have never personally felt the mental illnesses they try to define. They can not get into the head or thoughts of someone with a mental illness because they don't have the connection to how it works, breathes, and consumes itself within a person. In this way, anxiety and depression are no more inter-related than physical pain vs. mental pain. Anxiety stems from a self-concerning worry whereas depression from a self-defeating apathy. The two, if in extreme amounts can spill over to another, much like how physical pain, if in extreme amounts can spill over to mental pain... but besides that, by themselves they are not inter-related, and i've never been depressed despite having anxiety disorder.

So, what is depression? Often times to a normal person, the rational is that we all have objectives or goals in life... and that "depression" occurs when we fall short of said goal or objective, and that the intensity of the depression corresponds with how short we fall.. WRONG! that's just the blues, and it never achieves the extent of what depression - a medical illness is. Otherwise, a fellow like the man I mentioned earlier, would never be depressed, because he has just about everything worthwhile to provide him happiness. Well then, it must be selfishness then! He must want an infinite amount of something, and thus is caught in a perpetual disappointment which causes his and everyone diagnosed with depression...'s depression. WRONG! depression is caused not by an excessive amounts of wants, but at a lack thereof. It is a form of apathy, that those with depression lose their memory and thought, because the incentive to think and remember things goes away. They literally go days without thinking about much other than what's in front of them, and in this way an infinite amount of anything still amounts to nothing in much the same was as anything times zero still equals zero. The key to treating depression is to get them thinking again, bolster bolster their ego, force them to think of themselves highly. Anything that gets them excited or thinking about something, because when they show that they're thinking about something, than they obviously care for it ~ which means it then has a value to them, and they are thus losing their apathy ~ which is the root of depression.

For this fellow, I imagine he's like the minotaur running around a maze with a concealed violinist playing the blues...
where or where are those blues coming from?

The Pad. Dwg.

I'll start this off innocent enough. Not out of choice but out of my inability to do what I wanted to do... which is post pictures, because truthfully there are some things in this world only a picture can do justice. Like this: (http://www.michaeltotten.com/archives/images/Hillary%20Clinton.jpg) eh.. I'll just wait until I go back home thursday and grab my Camera... and I'll update this monday when I return.



Ok, well now that that(hehe I always get tickled when I write that that) tantrum is out of the way, I arrived here August 18th where I met my awkward moment lee first. (I can speak french) I made my way up into the dark corners of my apartment complex HQ, past the ominous squeels of fathers losing their daughters and of daughters losing their wallets.... into the assimilation room where I met what can be described as none other than Paul Bunyan. Seriously, this dude belonged in a forest not a freakin college apartment building he was like 7 feet tall and 300 pounds, big enough to scare away even monsters like Michael Moore, and that's saying something. Well, remember a few sentences ago when I said I encountered my awkward moment? No, I haven't forgotten, here it goes: after I got my card key and room key I was thoroughly like "..." and well ready to get a look at my apartment when the guy gave out this half-yelp half command like noise... "now I already went over the maintenance, one more thing.. If you're going to have sex, for god sakes put sheets on the mattress." I have yet to fully internalize those words.. perhaps it was made all the more mortifying by the fact that a group of girls were sitting very close to me... or perhaps it was the thought of earlier inhabitants of my room tainting my sleeping chambers... whichever the case, it tallied up to one hell of a grotesque feeling in the pit of my stomach... and I've yet to fully trust my mattress even now.. I think it's a dirty dirty whore.

Well my apartment is situated on the very brink of reality, as far away from all the other buildings as possible whilst still being on campus property. I sometimes feel like I'm travelling in the fourth circle of Dante's hell when I make the venture from campus to home with the barren scenery of untoiled earth. Buuut I'm a jovial fellow and it's all the better, I never have problems with loud music in the night and the quiet suits me perfectly. Also, there's never any trouble with parking and I have my own little parking spot that I even personalized with a ghetto looking name sign... so I can feel all special like the professors who get their own personalized parking spots.. it may seem silly, but threaten my parking spot and I'll unleash hell! Seriously, I pack heat. (sorry for the use of that 90's cliche ... I know... I know)

the room itself is relatively chill, mainly because it can't be much of anything else. It's about eight feet by eight feet big... when I lay on my bed I cover roughly 3/4 of the distance from wall to wall... luckily I've managed to learn chants that I repeat over and over to maintain sanity. =) ... I have my computer hooked up with no T.V.. but honestly, who watches T.V. anymore? umm.. the necessities such as a refrigerator + cell phone + food + trash + printer... is all i've scrounged up.

As for my room mates... well I'll save that for another blog..

Notice the greed of altruism

Counter intuitive to my blog title I am not going to contend that compassion and mutual kindness has an intrinsic component of greed or selfishness within it. For I am inclined - no, desperate, so very desperate that I would crawl on all fours with a naked soul completely vulnerable to the product of our self created forces that weigh in on each and every one of us needlessly day in and day out - to believe that there is geniune love and compassion that can be shared with geniune intentions between two..geniune people.

Unfortunately the righteous thought is contradicted with those last two words, for any geniune person is a product of an evolutionary chain, whose behavior and mannerisms are dictated by biological interactions via emotions whose primitive intention was to help and aid survival. Thus it follows that kindness one displays or compassion one chooses to exhibit comes from the base emotional being which itself is rooted in the need for self-preservation. In this way, one can see that such actions will then always have an intrinsic motive for manipulation..

Her name is Chihiro, she comes from Japan via an international student program, which for the life of me I could not understand why she would pay such high fees for out of the country studying until I realized the cost of living and university at Tokyo... in which case I see she has a good bargain. The very first day in our WRC (writing class) when she came in and announced the many countries she had been to, I was absolutely fascinated but too shy to initiate a conversation with her for she has the looks of a goddess. Haha, I wonder now if all my "preconcieved" innocent reasons for being interested in her, was just to distract me from the real reason - her sculpted looks. (It's alarming to me that I seem to be growing a patterned interest for asiatic people only -- I hope I don't become a racist lover - whatever that is.) Whichever the case, it's irrelevant now. Roughly a week later, I managed to strike a conversation using - you guessed it.. manipulation. aka kindness. I approached her and aknowledged her being out of the country and inquired as to if she wanted help in this english based writing class. That sounds so sweet doesn't it? Caring and compassionate. et cetera. NEIN! Looking it over through the retrospective glasses of objectivity, I only commenced the action with the primary intention of growing closer to her... would I have done the same for someone else struggling in the class who I wasn't interested in? Probably not. In this way I took something previously thought as considerate and compassionate, and turned it into manipulation. We exchanged numbers and email addresses and met later on, we shared laughs and conversation and I walked her home in the rain.. which I really need to get an umbrella. All was fun and light-hearted, but I noticed that no serious anything could develop... She would eventually leave back for Japan and we were two wholely different individuals with different interests -- not to mention her discrepency in English which made it hard for communication... Needless to say though, I still wanted her as a friend... and that's where this whole blog turns to.

We met several times later as I am teaching her how to drive, putting my one and only car at risk out of kindness of my heart? Nein... I began to feel alienated from her with our lack of conversation, so anything I could do to substitute substance with kindly gesture as to bargain her approval of me. Fortunately that manipulation doesn't work, and long story short when she walked away from class yesterday without me it all focused my perspective... and convinced me to write this blog..

I began to feel frustrated, despising her action as evil and wrong.. throwing the usual pout of which someone would suspect, "for all that I've done for her.." "i'm owed" "why are people so intrinsic with themselves" then I realized the hypocrisy of my statement. All I had done was make it convenient for me to shift the blame and wrong doing to her by disgusing my evil-intentions in apposition with cute and innocent words such as caring and compassion. Put in the real connotation - manipulation and you see the err in my ways, and how sad it is if you think about it. That one shouldn't engage acts of kindness if their intention is expectation of reciprocal activity. In a pandora's box-esque demeanor - (with all the evils in life there is still hope) I believe this blog, which demonstrates my self-consciousness can combat what I said earlier up there .. that perhaps, if people realized the reprocussions of their activity they could transcend their base emotional instincts of lesser wants and create the geniune compassion without expectation of each other. Indeed, thinking > emotions

Ha.. speaking of which..
all those missionaries who are so "philanthropic"... I wonder why...couldn't have anything to do with themselves...could it?