Friday, December 14, 2007
Redecorating
Well, I'm back home now from college, must say I don't know how I managed to live 18 years of my life here haha. I miss the independence already. Mother throwing in her usual chore demands upon reentering this familiar abode was not reassuring in the slightest. So many memories of this place, the bed to which I spent many nights before trials of the next day ~ worrying and thinking about more peaceful times ahead - ha. How I wish I could reach my hand back into the far stretches of time and slap my hopeful past self right in the cheek... oh and take his money. The chair to which I've sat on talking to my friends and sharing so many laughs and heart breaks.. the walls to which I've stared and idly thought about such things as how point-like particles exhibit field like characteristics like the proposed Meson in mediating the strong nuclear force, and how this related to the fabric of the universe and daily life. Oh, also the T.V. where I lost my virginity to one scandalous episode of dark angel. Jessica Alba shouldn't be allowed to wear tight black leather garments, that's only a recipe for stirring up the male population in a primitive-cognitive frenzy.
Mom really hasn't changed that much, personality wise. She's still the same sensitive overbearing mother she always was, but she's picked up more hours at her school to keep herself away from the home, and I feel so guilty because I know it was me that made her comfortable here, that in my absence the only thing she has to look forward to is silence. She now quite literally teaches the entire special education population of Pflugerville *and* their retarded high school drop out brothers. It's definitely weighed on her, the 10-12 hour days, she looks soooo stressed and it kills me because I know i'm partially responsible.. don't worry mother, i'll be back this fall and things will be happy and exciting for you again. This is something I don't want to fall into with whomever I marry. That when we're 40-something and our kids are all grown up that we've grown apart to the point where we no longer communicate with each other, I think despite exploring just about everything that could be explored with each other in twenty years of familiarizing, I'd still yearn to hold my partner at age 40-something and if but not for anything else I'd never want her to feel estranged from my grasp lest I lose all faith in life and love. That I will still think of things to do with her, and one must always think of ways to make her feel beautiful, wanted, desired else she becomes a wreak and you do too.. Sigh, my dad has effectively sealed himself off from this feeling, if he ever possessed it. He's a very smart man but much too timid for love. One must never be afraid to express love, it makes one not weak but strong for it takes an immense control of ones emotional and ego center to be able to admit a greater sense of want to someone else than one would show even to themself... *sigh* how I yearn for love.. but at the moment I'm no where near stable to enjoy such a matrimony.
I wonder how my Mom is going to be like when I really *do* move away, when I really *am* gone and won't return permanently, ever. We'll have our transient visits of course and perhaps discuss times long forgotten when in those situations we strain to create the spark of memory. I certainly hope she doesn't turn into psycho cat throwing woman like one sees in the movies. My dad I invision won't change much, he hasn't invested that much "emotional" weight into me, but I am his only friend that we've discussed so many things in regards to science that without me, he has no one to talk to about his ideas and things. I may be surprised, it might actually wind up being my dad who turns into the psycho shotgun wielding grandpa.. haha. And that's another thing, when will my parents start expecting me to have grand kids? I mean, they're not hell bent on image or anything or society's expectations, but I assume they want me to gain the same memories they've gained in their life and would be very depressed if they knew that their son never enjoyed the pleasure of raising his own son...
*sigh*
This house is covered in dust now, it's been used, and it's past its prime. A recurring theme around this place, and I know this is ultimately what I have to look forward to, that which is out of my control... ultimately, I'll buy a house, and will have a wife, we'll raise kids and experience those ecstasy laden 20's and 30's together, playing helicopter with baby boy and teaching him how to steal cars... err, I mean get good grades in Math and how to stand up for moral character. Then they'll grow up and the house of which at one time was so lively and warm will turn dark and cold, and accumulate dust... Hopefully though the antiques I sell will be worth more than the crappy 50's antiques that generation got.. I mean jeez, 5 cents for a whiffle stoffer? I feel sorry for the old guy who sold that to that antique store... I'm going to be supporting myself on the antiquized Super Nintendo I sell or what not... or Two-dimensional T.V. I have.... you know, since Hillary Clinton will utterly ruin the social security system.
But perhaps it's not out of my control, yes I will age, but it doesn't have to follow this linear path of fun --> gloom, so long as the love is lively and vibrant and desired, my heart will forever race with enticement around my partner, and so, so long as I invest all my emotional and intellectual and physical wit into her, I will forever be perpetually happy for she will then never dull to me.. that even if everything rots around me she will forever be new... that when everything is absurd she will be simple, and in times of panic she will be the calm... I just have to reshape myself so that I can be likewise to her, I have to regain my intellectual ability, my passions, my physical shape... and this is all within my control.
ahh to be young again haha..
Oh.. also relevant to the title of this blog.
I want to redecorate my apartment. Firstly, by cleaning it (lyke duh) secondly.. I want a grand father clock, and a leather chair... with some plants so that I can make a little mini relaxing area to where I can study in my room and sip coffee whilst I read biochemistry next semester... I don't know, I'm really not into fashion ideas..
Another thing, it's absolutely crazy.
I just can't stop thinking about her. About Yalan. It's been two months now, and I just can't... It seems to strike me late at night as well, like I can go through the day perfectly oblivious but the second I try to sleep feelings of immense disconnection overwhelm me and I think about such a person she is and was...
I can't sleep anymore..
Mom really hasn't changed that much, personality wise. She's still the same sensitive overbearing mother she always was, but she's picked up more hours at her school to keep herself away from the home, and I feel so guilty because I know it was me that made her comfortable here, that in my absence the only thing she has to look forward to is silence. She now quite literally teaches the entire special education population of Pflugerville *and* their retarded high school drop out brothers. It's definitely weighed on her, the 10-12 hour days, she looks soooo stressed and it kills me because I know i'm partially responsible.. don't worry mother, i'll be back this fall and things will be happy and exciting for you again. This is something I don't want to fall into with whomever I marry. That when we're 40-something and our kids are all grown up that we've grown apart to the point where we no longer communicate with each other, I think despite exploring just about everything that could be explored with each other in twenty years of familiarizing, I'd still yearn to hold my partner at age 40-something and if but not for anything else I'd never want her to feel estranged from my grasp lest I lose all faith in life and love. That I will still think of things to do with her, and one must always think of ways to make her feel beautiful, wanted, desired else she becomes a wreak and you do too.. Sigh, my dad has effectively sealed himself off from this feeling, if he ever possessed it. He's a very smart man but much too timid for love. One must never be afraid to express love, it makes one not weak but strong for it takes an immense control of ones emotional and ego center to be able to admit a greater sense of want to someone else than one would show even to themself... *sigh* how I yearn for love.. but at the moment I'm no where near stable to enjoy such a matrimony.
I wonder how my Mom is going to be like when I really *do* move away, when I really *am* gone and won't return permanently, ever. We'll have our transient visits of course and perhaps discuss times long forgotten when in those situations we strain to create the spark of memory. I certainly hope she doesn't turn into psycho cat throwing woman like one sees in the movies. My dad I invision won't change much, he hasn't invested that much "emotional" weight into me, but I am his only friend that we've discussed so many things in regards to science that without me, he has no one to talk to about his ideas and things. I may be surprised, it might actually wind up being my dad who turns into the psycho shotgun wielding grandpa.. haha. And that's another thing, when will my parents start expecting me to have grand kids? I mean, they're not hell bent on image or anything or society's expectations, but I assume they want me to gain the same memories they've gained in their life and would be very depressed if they knew that their son never enjoyed the pleasure of raising his own son...
*sigh*
This house is covered in dust now, it's been used, and it's past its prime. A recurring theme around this place, and I know this is ultimately what I have to look forward to, that which is out of my control... ultimately, I'll buy a house, and will have a wife, we'll raise kids and experience those ecstasy laden 20's and 30's together, playing helicopter with baby boy and teaching him how to steal cars... err, I mean get good grades in Math and how to stand up for moral character. Then they'll grow up and the house of which at one time was so lively and warm will turn dark and cold, and accumulate dust... Hopefully though the antiques I sell will be worth more than the crappy 50's antiques that generation got.. I mean jeez, 5 cents for a whiffle stoffer? I feel sorry for the old guy who sold that to that antique store... I'm going to be supporting myself on the antiquized Super Nintendo I sell or what not... or Two-dimensional T.V. I have.... you know, since Hillary Clinton will utterly ruin the social security system.
But perhaps it's not out of my control, yes I will age, but it doesn't have to follow this linear path of fun --> gloom, so long as the love is lively and vibrant and desired, my heart will forever race with enticement around my partner, and so, so long as I invest all my emotional and intellectual and physical wit into her, I will forever be perpetually happy for she will then never dull to me.. that even if everything rots around me she will forever be new... that when everything is absurd she will be simple, and in times of panic she will be the calm... I just have to reshape myself so that I can be likewise to her, I have to regain my intellectual ability, my passions, my physical shape... and this is all within my control.
ahh to be young again haha..
Oh.. also relevant to the title of this blog.
I want to redecorate my apartment. Firstly, by cleaning it (lyke duh) secondly.. I want a grand father clock, and a leather chair... with some plants so that I can make a little mini relaxing area to where I can study in my room and sip coffee whilst I read biochemistry next semester... I don't know, I'm really not into fashion ideas..
Another thing, it's absolutely crazy.
I just can't stop thinking about her. About Yalan. It's been two months now, and I just can't... It seems to strike me late at night as well, like I can go through the day perfectly oblivious but the second I try to sleep feelings of immense disconnection overwhelm me and I think about such a person she is and was...
I can't sleep anymore..
Where has our honor gone?
Longing for the days under Washington, that no sweeter existence can be than in those grand times of idealistic liberalism backed with disciplined resolve.
I am a liberal actually, one who believes in Democracy and liberty.
Why change that?
The governments of men are good for one thing, and that thing so hideous and grotesque and misshapen in all blue prints seeks to impose upon us its confusion and lies. Why should we knowingly vote for those who so obviously root themselves in this design?
We are blind and misled. We must reread the very scriptures of Locke, Madison, and Jefferson and look to the East where public dignity is raped by an overlord government.
The day America fails is the day we listen to the enemies of our fathers.
I am a liberal actually, one who believes in Democracy and liberty.
Why change that?
The governments of men are good for one thing, and that thing so hideous and grotesque and misshapen in all blue prints seeks to impose upon us its confusion and lies. Why should we knowingly vote for those who so obviously root themselves in this design?
We are blind and misled. We must reread the very scriptures of Locke, Madison, and Jefferson and look to the East where public dignity is raped by an overlord government.
The day America fails is the day we listen to the enemies of our fathers.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
What if everything were possible?
I'm going to start writing here on a more habitual basis like I've said, I don't really know why... I'm at that point where I don't want to admit that I can't remember my life to a desirable level, but yet I do seem to enjoy looking back at things just to see what I was thinking at the time. It's actually a wonder how my thought processes have changed over my life despite my strong resistive cognitive force that I thought would always keep me in line, thinking back I've really jumped philosophy to philosophy and I hope to be able to continue that trend lest I stagnate in this sort of psychosomatic hell that I'm in.
Hells are fun though, they've taught me my capability and that I don't need to hurt or harm others or present adversity to others to validate myself but rather I've achieved this through the sheer hell I live in day in and day out. I thrive in it actually, I think I've become so accustomed to it, that if it were to leave I'd feel odd and vulnerable. I enjoy the weight like I've said though, for without it, I would never have challenged myself to adapt, and I would have ended up like my peers enjoying life and leisure and never actively seeking advancement.
Anyways, I'm done with complaining, it's just so disgusting really, why should I shift my problems on others involuntarily, it's selfish of me and makes for horrible conversation anyway. I need to grow my inner strength and bottle it all up until atom bomb capacity.
It's inexcusable that I haven't been writing blogs about my college experience this semester, but to tell you the truth I've been so busy studying and what not that I haven't really had time to even think about my circumstances. Haha I like how I type in the "second" person tense, no one else other than me will be reading this so I guess it's alright if I write without inhibition.
----
Beginning the year was really hard, I had gotten accepted to U.T. on a deferred program where I have to spend a year at U.T. San Antonio for a year before I get into the main campus of Austin. This is because U.T. Austin is one of the most prestigious colleges not only in the nation, but in the entire world, with several professors of science holding nobel peace awards in many facets of science - the most famous one being Steven Weinburg (well not 'famous' but intriguing to me.) who got his in the field of physics in the 1970's for proposing the idea of unification of forces which led to unified state theory ~ though I agree with it I think it's an oversimplification and doesn't serve the end to which it was originally designed to answer -- but that gets into technicalities far beyond the scope of which this blog should be exposed to. I don't like publishing my thoughts anyways, because I've found people have stolen them and proclaim them as their own.... so I've stopped utterly. Not that it really matters, I don't think anyone will be able to follow the trail of logic that leads me from answer to answer but the theory i'm working on would significantly disappoint me if someone publishes it before me.
Weinburg still teaches but understandably at a limited level, being that he's like a million years old. That's what's so disappointing, there doesn't seem to be the substance of minds around nowadays like there were several decades ago. I would have died to get into a class of theoretical physics with Dr. Oppenheimer, I would have been in that posse of students he had that followed him everywhere.. ha..
Anyways, I'll be going to U.T. Austin this fall and will be enrolling in biochemistry medical science physics chemistry classes.... Straight science. no electives, no math nothing else... I don't know what I want to do yet, medicine is very intriguing to me and I go to the library to read medical journals for hours on end --- since, you know, I have no social life, but so what? People talk to each other for but one reason, advancement... some will say it's for fun, and that's very true, hanging out with people does bring feelings of excitement, fun, etc. etc. but the reason it yields that, is because evolution has always dictated that a creature needs to adapt to its environment in order to reproduce, so when we are accepted into a group or something, it tells our brain that we are acceptable and that we are capable of reproducing and our brain likewise rewards that. Most people will just tell you they hang out with other people for fun... without really asking why they experience the fun... So long as I meet the one I love, and utterly pamper her and die my soul to her, than I will have all that socially I could ever want... I care not for trivial interaction anymore, I care not for petty words exchanged with childish interactions, I want a deep connection I want someone who has transcended the typical ladder and has the strength and force to mend me and I her.. that's the relationship I want, one of wonder and excitement..
I digress so much, haha... but room mates hmm.
Jorge-
Jorge is a really religious person, who believes he's apart of a spiritual world and that everything around him is controlled by an ultimate destiny. He's catholic and has strong christian beliefs. His beliefs thus aren't very original and I can basically anticipate how he's going to feel to any external circumstance... he's really funny and has a great personality, very easy going and nice, possesses a strong moral honor to him but hasn't vested a lot of thought into it.. He'll be courteous but he possesses an ego to him that won't allow him to love passionately another woman, thus he's never had a girlfriend because he's afraid to expose that side to himself. Definitely someone I enjoy hanging out with, he's always got something witty to say...
err I have to end this post a little early..
Grades thusfar:
Economics - A
Chemistry - A
Texas Politics - A
Writing - ??? (hasn't posted yet)
Latin - ??? (hasn't posted yet)
Gah! I hate waiting for grades to be posted!
Hells are fun though, they've taught me my capability and that I don't need to hurt or harm others or present adversity to others to validate myself but rather I've achieved this through the sheer hell I live in day in and day out. I thrive in it actually, I think I've become so accustomed to it, that if it were to leave I'd feel odd and vulnerable. I enjoy the weight like I've said though, for without it, I would never have challenged myself to adapt, and I would have ended up like my peers enjoying life and leisure and never actively seeking advancement.
Anyways, I'm done with complaining, it's just so disgusting really, why should I shift my problems on others involuntarily, it's selfish of me and makes for horrible conversation anyway. I need to grow my inner strength and bottle it all up until atom bomb capacity.
It's inexcusable that I haven't been writing blogs about my college experience this semester, but to tell you the truth I've been so busy studying and what not that I haven't really had time to even think about my circumstances. Haha I like how I type in the "second" person tense, no one else other than me will be reading this so I guess it's alright if I write without inhibition.
----
Beginning the year was really hard, I had gotten accepted to U.T. on a deferred program where I have to spend a year at U.T. San Antonio for a year before I get into the main campus of Austin. This is because U.T. Austin is one of the most prestigious colleges not only in the nation, but in the entire world, with several professors of science holding nobel peace awards in many facets of science - the most famous one being Steven Weinburg (well not 'famous' but intriguing to me.) who got his in the field of physics in the 1970's for proposing the idea of unification of forces which led to unified state theory ~ though I agree with it I think it's an oversimplification and doesn't serve the end to which it was originally designed to answer -- but that gets into technicalities far beyond the scope of which this blog should be exposed to. I don't like publishing my thoughts anyways, because I've found people have stolen them and proclaim them as their own.... so I've stopped utterly. Not that it really matters, I don't think anyone will be able to follow the trail of logic that leads me from answer to answer but the theory i'm working on would significantly disappoint me if someone publishes it before me.
Weinburg still teaches but understandably at a limited level, being that he's like a million years old. That's what's so disappointing, there doesn't seem to be the substance of minds around nowadays like there were several decades ago. I would have died to get into a class of theoretical physics with Dr. Oppenheimer, I would have been in that posse of students he had that followed him everywhere.. ha..
Anyways, I'll be going to U.T. Austin this fall and will be enrolling in biochemistry medical science physics chemistry classes.... Straight science. no electives, no math nothing else... I don't know what I want to do yet, medicine is very intriguing to me and I go to the library to read medical journals for hours on end --- since, you know, I have no social life, but so what? People talk to each other for but one reason, advancement... some will say it's for fun, and that's very true, hanging out with people does bring feelings of excitement, fun, etc. etc. but the reason it yields that, is because evolution has always dictated that a creature needs to adapt to its environment in order to reproduce, so when we are accepted into a group or something, it tells our brain that we are acceptable and that we are capable of reproducing and our brain likewise rewards that. Most people will just tell you they hang out with other people for fun... without really asking why they experience the fun... So long as I meet the one I love, and utterly pamper her and die my soul to her, than I will have all that socially I could ever want... I care not for trivial interaction anymore, I care not for petty words exchanged with childish interactions, I want a deep connection I want someone who has transcended the typical ladder and has the strength and force to mend me and I her.. that's the relationship I want, one of wonder and excitement..
I digress so much, haha... but room mates hmm.
Jorge-
Jorge is a really religious person, who believes he's apart of a spiritual world and that everything around him is controlled by an ultimate destiny. He's catholic and has strong christian beliefs. His beliefs thus aren't very original and I can basically anticipate how he's going to feel to any external circumstance... he's really funny and has a great personality, very easy going and nice, possesses a strong moral honor to him but hasn't vested a lot of thought into it.. He'll be courteous but he possesses an ego to him that won't allow him to love passionately another woman, thus he's never had a girlfriend because he's afraid to expose that side to himself. Definitely someone I enjoy hanging out with, he's always got something witty to say...
err I have to end this post a little early..
Grades thusfar:
Economics - A
Chemistry - A
Texas Politics - A
Writing - ??? (hasn't posted yet)
Latin - ??? (hasn't posted yet)
Gah! I hate waiting for grades to be posted!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Mind sedating device, disconnected.
I figure I might as well employ this online journal again for writing on paper has become so ..geriatric? Although this utility annoys me that the words I type lag about two seconds from when I hit the keyboard. Honestly what the heck? How can there be so much data being processed from mere typing that it overloads the system?
Forget it. I'm just going to type on word document and paste.
You heard me right, I've successfully managed to adapt to using word document and not microsoft word!!! hahaha! Every time I do it I feel like I'm depriving Bill Gates of the money requisite to buy that additional sex slave. Grow my little Geia pet. Grow. and let you not be touched by socioeconomical prejudice.
Although, my professors seem to not be fond of one word lines followed by mixtures and mazes... It's like they deliberately make the software crap >.< Hence, I draw a map for every paper I write.
--------
The little kid says poo
Forget it. I'm just going to type on word document and paste.
You heard me right, I've successfully managed to adapt to using word document and not microsoft word!!! hahaha! Every time I do it I feel like I'm depriving Bill Gates of the money requisite to buy that additional sex slave. Grow my little Geia pet. Grow. and let you not be touched by socioeconomical prejudice.
Although, my professors seem to not be fond of one word lines followed by mixtures and mazes... It's like they deliberately make the software crap >.< Hence, I draw a map for every paper I write.
--------
The little kid says poo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)