Notice the greed of altruism

Counter intuitive to my blog title I am not going to contend that compassion and mutual kindness has an intrinsic component of greed or selfishness within it. For I am inclined - no, desperate, so very desperate that I would crawl on all fours with a naked soul completely vulnerable to the product of our self created forces that weigh in on each and every one of us needlessly day in and day out - to believe that there is geniune love and compassion that can be shared with geniune intentions between two..geniune people.

Unfortunately the righteous thought is contradicted with those last two words, for any geniune person is a product of an evolutionary chain, whose behavior and mannerisms are dictated by biological interactions via emotions whose primitive intention was to help and aid survival. Thus it follows that kindness one displays or compassion one chooses to exhibit comes from the base emotional being which itself is rooted in the need for self-preservation. In this way, one can see that such actions will then always have an intrinsic motive for manipulation..

Her name is Chihiro, she comes from Japan via an international student program, which for the life of me I could not understand why she would pay such high fees for out of the country studying until I realized the cost of living and university at Tokyo... in which case I see she has a good bargain. The very first day in our WRC (writing class) when she came in and announced the many countries she had been to, I was absolutely fascinated but too shy to initiate a conversation with her for she has the looks of a goddess. Haha, I wonder now if all my "preconcieved" innocent reasons for being interested in her, was just to distract me from the real reason - her sculpted looks. (It's alarming to me that I seem to be growing a patterned interest for asiatic people only -- I hope I don't become a racist lover - whatever that is.) Whichever the case, it's irrelevant now. Roughly a week later, I managed to strike a conversation using - you guessed it.. manipulation. aka kindness. I approached her and aknowledged her being out of the country and inquired as to if she wanted help in this english based writing class. That sounds so sweet doesn't it? Caring and compassionate. et cetera. NEIN! Looking it over through the retrospective glasses of objectivity, I only commenced the action with the primary intention of growing closer to her... would I have done the same for someone else struggling in the class who I wasn't interested in? Probably not. In this way I took something previously thought as considerate and compassionate, and turned it into manipulation. We exchanged numbers and email addresses and met later on, we shared laughs and conversation and I walked her home in the rain.. which I really need to get an umbrella. All was fun and light-hearted, but I noticed that no serious anything could develop... She would eventually leave back for Japan and we were two wholely different individuals with different interests -- not to mention her discrepency in English which made it hard for communication... Needless to say though, I still wanted her as a friend... and that's where this whole blog turns to.

We met several times later as I am teaching her how to drive, putting my one and only car at risk out of kindness of my heart? Nein... I began to feel alienated from her with our lack of conversation, so anything I could do to substitute substance with kindly gesture as to bargain her approval of me. Fortunately that manipulation doesn't work, and long story short when she walked away from class yesterday without me it all focused my perspective... and convinced me to write this blog..

I began to feel frustrated, despising her action as evil and wrong.. throwing the usual pout of which someone would suspect, "for all that I've done for her.." "i'm owed" "why are people so intrinsic with themselves" then I realized the hypocrisy of my statement. All I had done was make it convenient for me to shift the blame and wrong doing to her by disgusing my evil-intentions in apposition with cute and innocent words such as caring and compassion. Put in the real connotation - manipulation and you see the err in my ways, and how sad it is if you think about it. That one shouldn't engage acts of kindness if their intention is expectation of reciprocal activity. In a pandora's box-esque demeanor - (with all the evils in life there is still hope) I believe this blog, which demonstrates my self-consciousness can combat what I said earlier up there .. that perhaps, if people realized the reprocussions of their activity they could transcend their base emotional instincts of lesser wants and create the geniune compassion without expectation of each other. Indeed, thinking > emotions

Ha.. speaking of which..
all those missionaries who are so "philanthropic"... I wonder why...couldn't have anything to do with themselves...could it?