Update

I've since completed the entire park jogging course. 3 miles of jogging! Hey, for a fat*** such as myself that's an accomplishment. I'm thinking of maybe training for a Boston marathon, although you have to post a marathon run of 3 hours and 30 minutes which averages a little over 8 minutes a mile for 26 miles.

I can do 8 minute mile...for maybe a mile and a half. So there's a long way to go before I post the qualifying time.

However, if you have the will then any goal is dependent only on time. Well at least when it comes to personal goals.

Will power itself is heavily dependent on your thoughts and expectations of yourself. Your willpower is directly proportional to your ego.

I feel like I don't have the will power I used to have. Back in the day my mind would flood with thoughts and feelings as if a river had been unleashed each and every day, but now my mind feels as if it's been bunkered down and constrained and pressurized to exist only in some sort of contained vessel.

I'm entering a new phase in my life and unlike other people I perhaps don't have the equipment to make the venture a successful one. I feel as if my only chance is to follow my own path, a traditional lifestyle just seems out of reach for me or maybe I'm not reaching hard enough. Either way, I have to work harder and harder. There is hard work I can do, but in order to accomplish what I want, I have to work harder than that.

I want to become a doctor, and somewhere in me I feel it's inevitable that I will get into medical school. Even though I have such disability I feel as if my body has become a sort of ancient seaship, the kind of folklore that suffers the many assualts of the sea and yet still somehow manages to sustain itself and navigate.

I have a feeling within me that even though the divide between me and medical school seems to be analgous to the pacific ocean, I feel like it's destined. Like as if another force is in control and I will get there.

I feel so sorry for my body which has suffered so much. I assign human values to my arms, legs, head, neck, etc. And I feel though if they were alive themselves, that I have tortured them so much. Yet they seem to hold together and serve their purpose for me, through it all. In some ways the inanimate objects of my body are my closest friends, both figuratively and literaly. Throughout all the pain and storms of my life they've held steady and healthily, just as that mythological ship which has sailed through the many storms.

Certainly armed with this body of mine, I know I can make the journey a successful one. It's going to be rough, but it's also going to be fun.

Running Regiment

So for the past few weeks I've been running everyday. I go to the same park to run, so I set a goal to run a little further than the previous day's run. So far I'm now able to run continously for longer than 10 minutes getting well over a mile of running in.

The course itself totals about 3 and a half to four miles long, so I'm quite a ways away from being able to finish the course in a continous run, but that is my ultimate goal.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days, I'm approaching this differently than I have in the past, instead of constantly needing instant gratification and results I'm focusing instead on the goal-oriented aspect of my exercise routine. I want to be able to run further, faster, and better. Those are the results I'm concentrating on.

I can already feel the benefits, I feel more flexible (from stretching), I feel more energetic, I feel more alert and sharp - overall I've been feeling a lot healthier and that translates into more self confidence that I've been lacking.

Next week I'm going to incorporate weight lifting.

Favorite Shows

As of right now, I'd like to compile a list of my all time favorite shows.

At number 1 of all time
Seinfeld

Yes, I understand one of the cast turned out to show racism and Jerry in real life is so arrogant and full of himself but Seinfeld was a show that could put you into another reality. What I mean by that is, when I used watch the show as a child and adolescent I could buy into the carefree and humorous reality that Jerry seemed to view the world with and that view was so unique and so uplifting that I cherish all of the episodes to this day. I can't really describe how much I liked the show, but suffice to say that the last episode really and completely ripped me apart.

And besides, who can forget "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

Number 2 Family Guy
I understand the controversial humor Seth Mcfarlen uses, but if you can't absolutely lose yourself in laughter after watching an episode of family guy, then you really have no soul.

Number 3 Simpsons (1994-2003)
Simpsons for the past 5 years or so has really transformed into something awful. just awful. It's become so political and unsubstantiated jokes. I don't know if they lost their original writers or what but I really can't watch the new stuff anymore. However, back in the day, the simpsons was the de facto program of primetime. In school I can vividly recall the classroom trivia games we would play about simpsons, and what's more - is that everyone was capable of answering the questions because we all watched the episodes - several times.

Number 4 That 70's show.
Awesome. There's not much more I can say about this show, but I feel like the cast really bonded together and made the drama and humor that much more intense. In some ways I could relate to their problems when I was in high school, and I always envied Eric's basement. I wish I had a basement.

Number 5 Law and Order SVU
Of all the Law and Orders this is the best one, the actors seem so much more personable, the stories are so much more complex, and the relation to real life forms a reality check that I feel we all need. Again the stories were very compelling and I usually always watch this show when it's on TV.

Number 6 NCIS
Ziva is too hot not to like this show. No, this show also has very compelling stories and I'll always watch it when I see it on.

Number 7 The Daily Show with John Stewart
This is how I get my news, and what I like about him is his willingness to show bad sides of both political parties. There's a lot of ill in the world and it's always better to absorb it through a filter, and J. Stew is that filter not in the sense of censoring the news but painting a lighter side of things which his own unique brand of comedy.

Number 8 Monty Python and the Flying Circus
No comment.


So, what are some of your favorite shows? (to anyone who reads this)

Getting healthier

For the past few weeks I've been entering into a process of change when it comes to my bad habits. I've come to realize that I've lost so much physical fitness since high school and that as a result of this I've lost energy, attention span, happiness, and opportunities.

As I say I allowed myself to get into bad habits I mean I couldn't even label my diet as "poor nutrition" because it goes beyond what an adjective "poor" can describe, and the phrase "poor nutrition" still contains the word nutrition.. no what I ate and my diet can be described as no other than "septic" pure septic crap.

Wendy's double cheeseburgers, french fries, taco bell, donuts, just about every type of fried animal meats and fried foods in general x 100's of days. Each day!

but now, I'm changing. For the past 3 weeks I've replaced eating out at restaurants with eating assortments of packed fruits, whole grains, and healthy snacks such as granola. I still drink sodas but I stick to diet sodas although I want to slowly wean off of that as well and go to just water.

I haven't fully replaced restaurants because frankly their convenience is so valued when I'm so time strapped, but I try to eat healthy as I can when I do eat out. Still, I'm keeping track of the types of foods I eat and I try to get fruits such as bananas, apples, oranges, and watermelon in as I can a day.

Also I've started exercising. Every morning I go to a local park and I run as long as I can until I'm forced to walk then recover and run again.. today was a sort of revolution for me, because while running instead of getting out of breath, I started out feeling tired but then my body recovered while I remained jogging!

I hadn't felt that way since I was in high school and I was fit. I ran an entire mile without stopping which for me is huge!!!!!! like seriously, when I first started I couldn't jog half a mile barely at once. Now I feel my endurance building and I'm able to go with a faster pace.

These changes I've made have resulted in me feeling happier, having more energy, and being more self-confident. It hasn't been long since I've been doing these things but the results I've gotten thus far have been enough to show me this is a path I want to continue on.