Math.

Math is math, I've learned so much of it in the past semester it's mind boggling. I remember when I left high school looking at factoring a quadratic was scary, now I factor cubics without even blinking. I used to look at binomial expansions as impossible, now I can do them in seconds. I used to think I would never be good in algebra, but now I've made A's in everyone of my calculus classes. I've mastered trigonometry, algebra, and calculus - and it seems like a skill everyone should possess. I'm already learning the tools of the trade, that possessing skills equates to higher earned wages. I'm going to be applying for a math tutor at Jester learning center on campus next semester with my teacher recommendation. I'll be able to tutor calculus 1 and 2 students which to me is supremely easy, although calculus 2 is harder than calculus 3 in my opinion.

See the thing about integrals is that it's a process: you know that every integral they give you can be integrated using elementary functions and the ones you can't you can express as infinite series.

The type of integrals they give you at this school are nasty, but they can be done. The process which I want to teach the young ones is simple and mathematical, and worked for me when I was in their shoes.

First: expect no easy one step integrals... the integrals they give will always contain at least 2 to three steps of changing the integrand before you can make a valid integration.

so my steps are as follows:

Go through a process of thought with each integral.
1.) look at the integrand and see if there is a possible u-substitution (simple one) that strikes you immediately.

2.) If the u-substitution fails or is a weak one i.e. it produces several u's instead of one u, try integration by parts to see if that is viable.

3.) if your integrand isn't expressed or can't implicitly be expressed as a product of functions you have to move on to trig substitution, this is generally used when there is a square root sign on the denominator - however, it can also be used if the function is on the numerator but it would then involve a further step of integration by parts.

4.) if the function is an expression of 3 to 4 term polynomial on both numerator and denominator it almost always is an integration by partial fractions problem which is the easiest you're going to get at this school. First use polynomial long division where applicable and then split the fraction into a sum of individual fractions using algebra.

5.) if all these steps fail or you're a little bit off from being able to accomplish a step, then you know a more complex abstract substitution is involved, or completing the square is involved - after a while you can usually gain a feel for what tricky abstract thing they require...

for example:

1
-------------------------------
sqrt (x^2 - 4x -5)

The progression of steps to solve this integral:

1.) Does a u-substitution help? Well... I could try a variety of u-substitutions, but my du term will always contain a linear term that can't be factored.

2.) integration by parts? You would just get caught, because this is obviously not a product of two functions.

3.) partial fractions seems tempting but the sqrt on bottom locks up your quadratic.

So you know something special has to take place, well the only special thing that could happen in this problem is completing the square, take the linear term 4x - take the coefficient, 4 divide it by two and then square the result = 4 ... so now add 4 and subtract 4 on your denominator (so you don't change the equation)

x^2 - 4x -5 + 4 - 4

always group the positive added in your quadratic, because only if the second term in your quadratic is positive can both your signs be the same in the factored result which is what you want.

(x^2 - 4x + 4) - 9 (combining the -5 with the -4 and the + 4 with the quadratic)

(x-2)^2 - 9

so this is factored

sqrt (x-2)^2 - 9

This looks like a sexy trig substitution. Once you do enough of these you instantly relate the identity

sec^2 - 1 = tan^2

so now make the "X" substitution x-3 = 3 sec x note: x substitution is way different than u substitution:

so your dx now becomes = 3 sec x tan x directly

anyways we'll concern ourselves with that later continue on to your denominator:

sqrt (3 sec x) ^2 - 9

distribute the ^2 inside the parentheses since all you have is products

sqrt (9 sec^2 x - 9 )

factor out the 9

sqrt (9(sec^x - 1 ) = = sqrt (9 (tan^2) ) == 3 tan x !! good good

now since your dx = 3 sec x tan x that is multiplied so it goes on the numerator

3 sec x tan x
-------------
3 tan x

cancel out the threes and tan x

== sec x

so now you've algebraically manipulated your integrand into an a function that can be integrated

however, the integral of sec x is not trivial. Again, it involves some dirty algebra: since sec x = 1/cos x if you make a u-substitution cos x you're still left with a -sin x factor that isn't expressable in terms of u

so:

you're going to have to add some things to this function:

sec x * sec x + tan x
... --------------- <--- this fraction is simply just 1
sec x + tan x

then you get


sec^2 x + tan x sec x
----------------------
sec x + tan x

you should immediately see this form as du/u since your numerator is exactly the derivative of your denominator

u = tan x + sec x

du = sec ^2 + sec x tan x dx

du
----------- = dx
sec^2 + sec x tan x

This cancels out your numerator so now you're left with

1
----------
u

the integral of that is trivial

Ln (u)

put u back into terms of x

Ln( sec x + tan x ) + C

and you're done! Now make a mailbox in your brain and whenever you see a function of 1/ sqrt (quadratic) follow these steps for the solution as this applies to almost all circumstance of this function.

I can't wait to tutor the newbies!

And so the grand experiment fails.

Lincoln lied, or rather we let down on his word. This the last great hope for man on Earth will now see the world plunge back into the abyss of darkness. Where the few on top use their laws to repress people, their synchranization to horde the masses to their will. The ages of self responsibility and mass prosperity will give way to socialism and ultimately the tyranny of ages past seen in feudalism, dictatorship, and monarchy. America's economy is about to enter the greatest depression in history, the consequences of which will see our government nationalize our banking, health, financial, brokerage, auto, and possibly every other previously privatized industry under the vise of Barack Obama who will surely win the election. I can hear it now Thomas Jefferson's eyes from heaven above are now filled with tears at the passing of this once great idea of freedom, I can see the inventors of the past breathe their sighs of distraught as their forward looking eyes deviate from innovation and discovery to the immaculate darkness that awaits us.

The European Union and the socialist west will suppress the people in the guise of our vulnerability, Obama will say we're not mature enough to handle ourselves without the governments help, we'll be told how to think, how to act, how to raise our children, how to breathe, how to sleep, how to work, when to work, we will become slaves to the government that our forefathers at one time sought to fight.

And so their graves will gather dust.

The experiment is over, it's been assualted for far too long with its supporters lessoned by the day, the foolish intellectuals whose short sightedness and blindness to history and reason have followed the liberal propaganda machine and bought into it almost blindly the concept of social classes.

Now our economy is busted, the dow jones has dropped 50% in 12 weeks, 24% of which occured in the last two weeks, auto sales have declined a whopping 60% in 2 weeks and Chrysler and GM are on the verge of bankruptcy, unemployment has soared almost 3% year to date and will go up substantially in the next few months. The government is already introducing its intent for socialism buying up these industries by creating artificial money, at the taxpayer's expense. The depression we and the rest of the world are in for - is unlike anything mankind has ever seen, the thing that's brewing isn't something that can be washed away with a 700 billion dollar check - no it's far too late for that. Only with a series of market corrections, painful in the short term but necessary for the longterm can this be solved, and this means not injecting artificial money to problems dealing with artificial debt.. inflation on inflation leads to hyperinflation.

As I've stated and as I reiterate, the fundamental moral and philosophical nature of America shifted substantially liberal after the great depression with Roosevelt's government cures all approach which actually did little but make the great depression worse, bottoming in 1932 and again in 1935, Roosevelt's socialist "new deal" policies weren't the cure for the depression but rather world war II was, and in so the market didn't restablize until 1954 to pre 1929 levels. What we're going to see now, under an Obama adminsitration, frought with liberal socialized ideologies, is a blank check written to him to have his way with this country, and unlike Roosevelt who still had staunch conservative resistance, we have nothing but weak minded uninvolved citizens who could careless, Obama will become America's first dictator.

Things are in motion that can not be stopped, this coming monday will be reminiscent of black monday, followed by black tuesday, you will see the stock market crash, it's inevitable for a variety of reasons which I will spare here.

Just as a cross reference the banks in France, Germany, Ireland, Britain, and Japan have all been run on, their markets are down 10% each, this is a global turndown, and with the loss of the American consumption markets China will collapse back into pre 1970's existence, their economic markets are already buckling, the world will enter back into a darkness where a few rule and the people beg.

That is. Unless revolution occurs. I will not allow my country to be run by a dictator, not as long as blood in my body runs and knowledge of my fathers are present. Such is the pride of an American, such is the staunchness and righteousness of freedom that we keep Lincoln's promise and uphold this the last hope for mankind on Earth.

Happiness to me was never about attaining wealth or fortunate circumstances, it was never about being well liked and popular nor was it ever about having the best friends or doing the cool things. No, happiness to me is the state of being content - it's the state where I can wake up in the morning and anticipate everything that I will be exposed to during the day and not feeling out of control or a sense of impending doom or failure. It's the state of just being free, free to think about anything I want and be comfortable in any situation - that is what happiness is to me.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to attain this state, my mind is constantly embattled, I feel like I'm in a fox hole all the time with the mortar shells going off in the background - each second each minute of every day is a threatening state of existence where that shell can go off on me. It didn't always used to be like this, I used to be able to instill control within any environment I resided in - I was able to achieve the higher ground of thoughts, and see through things that others could not.

Maybe herein lies my problem, I've allowed my focus to amplify my present situations so much, that I've been blinded to the bigger picture of things. There is something to be said that in the short term everything is chaotic, but over the long term the much desired peace order and tranquility can be clearly seen.

Ya I have a major physics test coming up next week. Ya I can't figure out how the hell to do any of the problems, but you know what? In the grand scheme of things my life 10 or 20 years from now will be little if at all influenced by this fact. I have a mind that's capable of great things, and whether or not I allow myself the peaceful mindset to exploit these gifts is completely up to my conscious center, which lately has been plotting against me.

Sometimes I just wish I could pull someone aside and just see the world through their eyes, it's so amazing how when presented with the same set of circumstances, two people respond so differently and so ...scientifically.

Recollection of life at 20.

Since I am turning 20 years old I think this second decade marks a milestone where I should reflect on my life thus far.

From my earliest memories I can never forget that which gave me the most pleasure, and that was going up to my family in the countryside of New York. My grandparents were always modest people, on both my mom and dad's side - I'll always remember going to my great grandma's farm where she told me stories of life as she remembered it, gave us her special cookies and told us of mystical monsters in the wintery forest which prevented my cousins and I from venturing too far into the backlands of her farm. Life back then was a mystical one, full of wonder and ease it was perhaps for the most part the only time in my life where I was able to breathe a relative lightness about myself and experience a freedom I've not since had the pleasure of partaking in.

The young friendships I had back then were many and full of many stories, even back then people recognized me as a mentor someone they could turn to to talk about their problems and receive credible advice, I always analyzed what made people act they way they acted, why they behaved the way the behaved - and perhaps from this my inclined sensitivity arose at a later age. Nothing in the world was off limits to me, I always wondered always pondered its serene boundaries - what possible thing could lurk behind the corners and make things operate the way they do.

As I grew and matured I carried my life philosophies with me, I've always been one to subscribe to theory that perseverance is the most valued trait, and as I hit middle school I found friends I would carry on with throughout then and even throughout high school. I competed in athletic events in which I can still recall a most horrid track event where I had to run a long distance 1600 meter dash in my 8th grade year, as I can recall I almost vomited on the last turn it was so bad. I did finish however, and as that reflects at least I believe - a microcosm in my life that no matter the distance, the pain, or the fatigue somehow my body always manages to find that necessary burst of energy - that last sprain to carry me over the finish line.

*cue in heavy metal music* I carried this spirit of mine into my high school career, I joined the football team where we had practices 3 weeks before school even started, and - as I embarked at the tender age of 14 with 200 or so other high school football players, freshman, sophomores, juniors, and even the varsity seniors I set about an adventure and undertaking which has so thoroughly tested my physical and mental tolerance. From the three a day practices where sweat and blood reaked the fields to the high pressure moments in games where a yard or two marked the difference between victory or certain defeat - I met these challenges and rose to the occasion. I met some bad influences then and people of unorthodox and orthodox philosophies, I learned to idealize and characterize people in terms of their actions and habituations. It was at these tender years that through so much suffering from both internal and external sources borne a being which I am today, stiffened and hardened to the point where little physical sensitivity but pure mental sensitivity exists. I acquired a heightened sense of things, how things work and I plunged in various means and ways into pits and tips of my life. I came through though.

Most recently, I've come upon academic success where I've gotten entry into my dream university and am an aspiring scientist burdened with mere academic work and awful procrastination, as I hit this mark of 20 years of age I can plainly recall all that I've been through and have yet to see and whilst I can not know the future, I do know that time will see me through to wherever I wish my feet to take me.

Randomisty

I can see my life, almost picture it vividly as a great clock tower with the giant rotating gears rusted with age but determined to propel themself forward. A machine with certain fidelity to it, the routine is rather complex but with time infinitely simple. I work and toil no matter the season or weather, for others perhaps or to serve my own purpose, others look to me with a slight insignificant glee and still others see me as their mortal enemy. I can be a marker of one's happiest moment or I can be the record of the parting force, I care not other's observation for I work - as I've said, no matter the season or weather.

--

That is - until I met her and then a contemptable thing happened, my hands froze and my time stopped, how could this be? I checked my gears, down to the very last bolt, the machinery was fine it couldn't be me yet outside of my propriety my time could not be sent free. Then - all of a sudden with her smile my tower began to shake, the gears went out of alignment I was afraid I was going to break - as she neared she could read my time frozen, and with each step my tower began to crumble and break, until the last step which saw her on me, and despite my strongest efforts to keep stillness and fidelty to myself the ruckus could not be contained and I fell apart shattered and splintered to the world that I've come to know, I fell an indeterminate length all the way down - down to her, and as I opened my eyes on the ground, there was her hand - waiting for me.

Girls

I've always wondered: what would the world be without girls? Assuming that we men can procreate ourselves of course so as to preserve our species. What would motivate us men at that point in time? Arguably we're lazy as is, but without a component of love or relational ecstasy to look forward to, what possible reason do we have to strive to get that top tier job, or that athletic body, or that man-stache?

Short answer? Other than the basic need for survival, none. Girls are what enliven this world, the feminine pink on an altogether red painting, they ease our pain, sympathize with our plights, carry their cheerfullness and beauty everywhere they go. They're the ones who call you after you've fallen without even being asked, they're the ones who comfort the sick and soak up the evil, they're they ones who don't fight with their fists but with their words. They are, in most respects - not only an eternal motivator but a much needed balancing component of sanity in this morally insane world.

Some other duties which have been neglected at this point used to include cleaning, cooking, chores, and the like as well - damn feminists.

But it's girls more than guys that I enjoy hanging around, they're never loud, they're always receptive and just preserve this sense of being which whollely transcends the seemingly perpetual hostility in this world.

This girl I met today for example, would liven this activity, she seemed so sweet with her cute smile and energetic prose, one can't help but feel the years peel away back to childhood when they're around such influences.

Alas, I am war hardened, I have fought, nearly killed, nearly died, suffered everyday, and achieved a state of complete and total mental hell.... and yet.

Why do I persist?

Girls..

University update and rant on the economy

Scratch that last post. I could never vote for Mccain, why oh why does my party have to be so retarded? What is a conservative to do in America anymore? It's a choice between taking a sledge hammer to ones balls, or to one's wallet in the elections.

Well fairly soon it won't even be a choice anymore, already the candidates are being supervised not to engage in brilliant arguments or arcane remarks or allusions to history, as the majority of Americans are your typical government educated morons who lavish in their material wealth and masturbate away their ties to intellectual propensity.

A fellow once told me that I'm beyond stubborn, that I readily and hastily discount the opinions of others in a sort of fenced off existance where I put my hands over my hears and yell something like "nany nany boo boo" perhaps to a certain extent this is true, but I think this non sequitur - everyone including the person who pointed the finger at me, has inward biases that cover them from objectively looking at another's argument if it is in opposition of theirs. We engage in practices of asking people questions we already know the answer to not to identify a new truth but rather to test and analyze how another person thinks. The way people are suppose to be are intellectually independent, that is the maximum ability we have to ascertain truth within our environment, is to take analyze our environment ourselves, with only considerations but not embracing features of other's ideals. Otherwise our opinions, philosophies, and truthisms go in the direction of the wind. Of course this person would contend that I wouldn't even consider what they were saying which is just whollely naive and independent of reality but that's ok, that's up to them to have their opinion based on their analysis of events, just as I've stated.

Speaking of going with the wind.. our economy.

I don't think majority of Americans realize just how close to the great depression we got this past week. An excellent article from the weekly issue of "The Wallstreet Journal" goes over it in detail.

If the government didn't loan 85 billion dollars to AIG, they would have had to sell their assets for pennies on the dollar, and ultimately wouldn't have been able to cover the bad strikes against their insurance policies not only from Lehman but other banks that're close to being run on (put out) AIG exemplifies the current crisis in our credit system - THERE ISN'T any left, they tried desperately to pull someone to lend them money, and there is quite literally no credit being loaned out at this time.

Our economy is heavily dependent on credit. If the government didn't step in, and the strikes were allowed to go unfunded, we would have seen one hell of a ***** load of a ****** load of a wallop. We're talking bank failures, companies laying workers off en masse, houses being sold for pennies on the dollar, wallstreet crashing, shortages everywhere,

I mean pretty much just picture the great depression of 1929.

The government just printed 500 billion dollars out of thin air (here here inflation) to bail out the credit markets and insure faulty loans AIG recently insured, banks are still teetering but I think it'll go stable..

Short selling has literally been banned on wallstreet, and good riddens - a lot of this debacle is due to the fact that hedge funds were doing illegal shortage practices on Lehman brothers, implicated as the major reason why that firm went broke. The government panel that just banned short selling is also responsible for prosecuting illegal trade practices yet they completely and ineffectively dropped the ball on securing Lehman brothers

They had 70,000 lawyers chasing paper trails. On your dollar.

America's economy is being run by idiots, someone hire an exterminator for congress, we need to get those 535 roaches dealt with.


And as for a university update: tests are in the air, and I'll admit I've been lazy this semester and I've gotten some grades I'm not particularly proud of. This university is a whole nother tier of difficulty and I hope I can manage 3 science classes - and an advanced calculus class - although it's shaping up to be rather difficult, mainly because my classes have discussion classes within them, so it's basically like I'm on campus in class for 12 hours a day then whatever time is left I can use to study.

Am I in freggin med school or something?

nooo

...

The withering legs of the racehorse.

Remember that day, Barrick, my friend - my ally - you the standalone symbol of youth and eloquence which has saddled me in the times throughout my life when all of rationality was lost and despair was the only thing my ears could hear or expect. The day when, amid a cooling breeze which saw the wind serenade the grass, our toils being entrenched in nothing more innocent than playground shenanigans - the sun fell to the horizon and the slit of the sun blazed the contour of the very Earth. I remember it vividly, dear friend. It was a magical exasperation, a moment of anxiety, when we both submitted death to our legs and stood stiller than any stalagmite frozen in time. The connection we shared was ethereal but true, I could feel your thoughts whirling around - surmising the very questions which permeated my mind, I - no you were the first to enunciate the most magnificent question, "What lies beyond the unseen whose golden light makes lame the very grass beneath out feet?"

How can the seeming continuity of the world be so easily broken? Was it not the same grass over there as the grass we stood on? How then can it be made so magnificent and unworldly as to legitimately call to question if gravity ceased to exist there, that weight was suspended and the possibilities of our imagination could fly without any hint of limitations? I remember the scramble, the burst of energy, the intangible glee that left giddiness on our mouth and dirt beneath our shoes, the mad dash so as to be the first to reach that horizon, that magical world - to be the first to rule the realm of anything possible and anything happy and for a time that my legs were stronger and my mind quicker the distance between you and I began to grow, and I could not longer hear your incessant laughter as clearly as I wanted and then I turned around to see you stopped. "C'mon, I won't hog it to myself, you'll be the first to go in ok? You better save me all the water slides!" Your reply, which has haunted me to this day, "There is no land of wonder, it's just a flying emblem in the wind, a kingdom of air don't you understand?" I felt all the levels of rejection flow through my body, begging to be released almost as if my very being should assume a fist and send a mighty blow for hearing such heresy. "Are you blind? Can you not see, it's just over there, fool." Berrick, your response I do believe was, "See for yourself, you need no guidance from me, you move but it moves farther still, there is no hope of capturing such a thing."

For what are men but vessels of words, blind to anything else, they must assume the forms of limitations and the natural wonders are but conceived and buried in the very realm which they are created. Men speak of freedom, but there is no liberation from these bonds, they are ethereal, and shift counter side to each of his reckless swings, always able to evade capture, but always able to bond. Every once in a while we'd hear that random philosopher with the jester's smile and the suggestive gaze twirl his thoughts around and convince us of our inherent freedom, of worlds unknown beckoning for us and of love between humans unconditional and without limit, and in those moments of consideration, of self contemplation whilst within the closest of proximity, we would convince ourselves if only for a moment, that perhaps fantastical realms did exist, that men can sully themselves in dreams without being branded with failure and that love between those we really cherished could surface to glow a self-evident glare so as to remove all darkness and suffering from our hearts. In these moments, however brief, the intent was successful, and perhaps lucky for us the philosopher was after our hearts and not our money, for perhaps thrown off the path of logic we'd have thrown anything to make this premise a reality, of goods not deemed fit for us but that we could deem the laws that make them unfit, unfit. Then the inevitable residual oscillation back to reality, to our current state of affairs, the glacier re solidified and the escaping droplets ran off into the bottomless ocean.

Berrick, forgive me that my mind has forgotten most of our interactions before that year, from memories of high school --------

A new mathematics is in order.

Random update II of XI State of affairs with my friends.

Ok this entry is more for me than anyone else reading and I'm going to phrase it as such. So you basically you can spare yourself reading this entry as it really has no significant meaning. Unless you want to psychoanalyze me or something.

When I went to college it was sort of like boarding a boat and casting off into the great unknown, completely clueless as to whether or not I'd find sunshine or if I'd find Poseidon's thirty foot long pitchfork clashing through me in a harrowing blow of p'wnage. My friends decided to stay on the shore where it was relatively safe but relatively demeaning. As such a divide of jealously, misunderstanding, and genuine difference has arisen between us. The immature jokes and reckless actions they involved themselves into have lost their appeal to me, and likewise the casual social interaction and relative insight has offered them no enticement.

I swore to myself now that I'd never complain again about anything. I've come to realize that complaining is a weak exercise, an expression for another's compassion. One should neither want nor need another's willing grace, for then they become reliant. The stiffening of will and ultimately one's seclusion from the rest of the world is the optimal course of maintaining one's independence. I've found that over the past few years I've allowed myself to open up about things I never should have, I've burdened others with the pains that no man woman or child should have to face in their life. I allowed myself to become weak and meager. A begger of sorts for attention and sustenance. If I am to be successful in my dream, a reclamation is in order of my earlier pride and for that I wish it necessary to forsake all ties with other people less the loves of my life.

As of my friends the group will not last much longer. I've grown apart from them too much and the memories are no longer pleasant. It's essentially degraded to a posse of poop flinging monkies in any event. I don't understand how such bitter hatred can develop from what was such a great and fun friendship.

Actually I take that back. The bitter sows of jealousy and primitive psychology have led us to contest our egos and we all share this vision that we're greater than another and for that the relationship can only last if someone takes the submissive role in a cast of dominators - a spot which shall not be occupied.

I shall welcome new friends of course, but only in the light that I'm helping them with their problems and situations, I care not for another's advice on my life anymore. A beautiful thing it is to help someone overcome a situation they need help with, which may sound all the more hypocritical of me to condemn previous actions but I condemn only on said actions of my part. Other people, who can at times be so innocent. Can be so beautiful. Even flowers need nectoring.

Random update I of XI

For this first random update I'm just going to say a bunch of controversial words and let you react to them.

-Homosexuality

-Klu Klux Klan

-President Bush

-Kim Jung Ill

-Iraq war

-Republicans

-Death Penalty

-Scooter Libby

-Nazis

-Auschwitz

-Israel

-Nuclear missiles

-$4.00 a gallon gasoline

-Oil companies

-Rich people

-Torture

-Rape

-Mao Zedong

-Communism

-America

-Conservatives

-Beheadings

-Oprah Winfrey's face.

These my last words of a tormented mind. The battle draws nigh and only now do I think these accursed thoughts. In fairness though, a thing of priority is all that we are accustomed to. Back then, I could run, in the breeze and admire the Earth and think of nothing else but the trees. An odd thing it would have been to try and have a preminition of what my last hours would be. All the people I've met, all the events, classes, and meetings I've attended... Rarely did I ponder outside these boundries or time unless the circumstance was particularly awful. And to me now do I recognize the true ignorance of man, that if we could break the priorities, if we could connect to the deeper meanings of our lives there would be far less turmoil in the world. Alas it has come to the priority that we must go to war, an as indicative a primitive thing it is inherently rooted in the aforementioned logic and thus has not been broken, but instead affirmed by the sheer brutality that exists in modern weapons that we still do not relent from our prioritized linear logic. IT IS debatable as to even the question of this logic's vulnerability! Here I am, continuing the trend, the mortar shells draw near.. I think I'll sing Amore's opera as they do - if but nothing else it'll be out of the ordinary and "paranoy" the barbarian murderer.

Ok, for those who didn't catch on that was a faux treatise from an imaginary soldier... *sigh*, things - they are a changing, and I don't for the better or if I'm even in control anymore. A sad thing that - take away a man's sense of control and you've essentially killed him.

On a less morbid note, I watched the superbowl sunday! I was nervous for the giants because I really wanted Strahan to win. Yes, I have sort of a man-crush borderline homoerotica thing going on for that guy haha... not reall. I analyze too much that's a given - Tarek and briefly his friend Vi were over. I think I gave her the impression that I'm an asshole - albeit a socially repressed one - it's ok with me though, I'd rather someone think of me as a socially repressed asshole than know the truth. However she's a really sweet person, one of those people who're totally conducive to other human beings - a philanthropist in every definition. Tarek and I get along decently too and it was fun watching with him, then he showed me some wrestling moves - it shocks me just how effectively he can maneuver on another man's body haha. no though I wish I had the opportunity to do wrestling. But that was back then and now is now

I've come to complain about complaining. It seems that its become fashionable, that it's rewarded or necessary to find something wrong with something. If aynthing this just fosters a destructive rather than constructive lifestyle in many ways, especially when it reverberates across the social spectrum. If you believe me to be cyncial than answer me this, why is it more expected to receive an insult from someone rathe than a complemenet? Why do people find it so hard to admit the goodness in things and people? There are like a hundred people I want to complement but it seems that they'd probably be made more uncomfortable by hearing something so unexpected... Like a mortar gunner hearing his victim sing Amore's opera.

Secretive

Guys are sensitive creatures, really truly gals. It's just we're secretive about it, only when we know our masculinity isn't threatened do we let loose. It sort of amazes me the conversations I have with my room mates about how we look, how we're feeling, if we're feeling fat, the emotions we feel around such and such girl. Of course such convo's take place only when we're the only ones in our rooms and there's no chance of eavesdroppers. Man, if only girls really knew our true secrets, they wouldn't be so offended by us or alienated I guess. Jorge went on about his fantasy of sitting in a field with the one he loves looking at the stars.. haha what a fag. No no, I have no room to talk, I went on about cuddling and its greatest asset to a relationship. Any relationship. We had one big hug fest, us guys.

My chemistry lab has exceeded my expectations. The professor is actually sort of timid, but she has her T.A. actually do the lab instruction and oversight, my lab partner and I are pretty well acquianted with each other, and despite the lab being scheduled from 6 pm - 11 pm we usually get done around 10 pm. One thing though, in that lab I swear there's this one person who keep staring at me. It makes me so self-conscious I mean what the heck? Why do people have to stare at me?? Why can't they look somewhere else, it's like everytime I look at them they're looking at me and it just sends me into a paranoic frenzy as to whether or not they're psychopaths plotting my doom or fashion police critiquing my teen bopper clothes. Either way it doesn't come out to anything good on my end.

I've been rushing around doing this this and this, but I've applied for merit scholarships and I'm hoping to get this one 500 dollar university grant for high end achievers. 500 dollars might not be all the much, but it does at least pay for books.

Hmmm what else, what else? These blogs dn't seem the same without mindless rants of mine, but I think I'll spare myself that in this entry.

I know what I'm fighting for.

It was one of those rare moments in time that I'll never forget. It shot forth from the video straight through my eyes and nestled alongside the synapse in perfect unison so as to never be parted by any physical force. Though at the time I did not quite know what I possessed, later in I would figure it out, like the man who navigates the maze and finds the end. Of things of beauty this is not. It was one of those old newsreels in such grainy black and white as to mock all color in the world, and in things so depressing this format was most fitting. It was a British soldier alone in front of the camera, in front of Bergen Belsen concentration camp and after a heartfelt speech in which he rambled on with such clear emotions of hatred and fatigue, shock and awe utterly does not canvass appropriately. He stood brave with his chest out almost mocking the sheer evil that had horrifying worked its will. It was obvious that he was no longer afraid of death or lies or nazi's. He knew the truth, and in things so honorable and so astute, he ardently proclaimed at the end, "I know now what I am fighting for."

It seems the world has changed since then, color has come to us. Things don't seem as black and white anymore. With time we've seen ourselves grow and prosper into an affluence never before experienced by mankind, but with out growth has come new challenges and the history of America in the recent period is not free from being marred. Our foreign policy has went from bad to atrocious, it lacks even mere common sense any more. It has unified the enemies - so longstanding - against us, and with reason this time. The woes, so longstanding seem to be culminating now into a fiery ball. America's days are numbered if we continue down this reckless path. The color is degenerating into primitive black, and primitive white.

The Iraq war, started on misinformation and never reconciled after learning about this misinformation, leads one to the conclusion that it was always well known that Saddam didn't possess any nuclear weapons before we went to war. Bush lied to the congress, and when the answers came he failed to take the blame - shifting it to the C.I.A. We've overthrown an atrocious dictator ~ but at the cost of billions of dollars.. and the loss of respect from the international community.. Meanwhile out interventionist policy has only emboldened terrorists who now reside in Pakistan, where we gave the dictator who over threw and elected government - 11 billion dollars, for what? We sent Bhutto in to withdraw on our mistake.. and she ends up getting killed. We installed the shah in Iran, and no kidding when our hostages got taken Jimmy Carter authorized Iraq to go to war with Iran.. no wonder Iran is pissed at us. We need to change our foreign policies. We are fighting with extreme retardedness.

The liberals, from within have been ruining our country economically, the "conservatives" have been ruining our country internationally. It's a pick your posion type of deal. All I hear from the democrats is this word, "change" well what kind of change? Not all change is good, I want change too but I don't want racist affirmative action, I don't want universal health care, I don't want retarded foreign policies, I don't want increased taxes. I want real damn "correct" change. It's about time we take our country back.

Barack Obama follows the Bush doctrine, Hillary follows the wind and penis of her husband... Mccain is certifiably crazy, Romney is flashy but pro-Iraq.. Giuliani is just a freak. Yet these are our front runners.. I think the main reason why people haven't spoken up about this, why people haven't raised in anger at the thought of A CENTRALIZED ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINE (I.E. All electronic votes go to a centralized station somewhere removed from the polls, so there is absolutely no authenticity check) is that we give politicians the benefit of the doubt. "Oh ya, of course he's not going to do anything crazy, if he did - some thousand other people would rise against him" <--- this is the most deadly and harmful view to take. NEVER give a politician the benefit of the doubt. Time and time again the governments of the people have used public office for so corrupt and atrocious a things as to send us to thousands of men to their death without a cause or means. Have we learned nothing from history? I know what I'm fighting for, it's for our future. We need a non-interventionist policy, we need to back off occupying other countries, we need to gain the alliance of the people. We could have just easily went in and assassinated Saddam Hussein and his family and proclaimed the government of the people without mass occupation and funneling money. Sure it's a big chance to take, sure it could blow up in our face.. but what about war nowadays? Our military is made obsolete that anyone can now destroy the entire surface of the world several times over. We need to be focusing on the people of foreign countries.

Ron Paul.. is who I'm fighting for. He's gotten screwed over by the mass media so much it's sick. Such propaganda I never knew existed, that a man a fellow of the constitution nor longer has legitimacy any more..
I'll let him speak for himself.







You'll never find a politician (A doctor by trade) so disciplined and mature and accountable as Ron Paul. Never has he voted against himself, his opinions are know, they're aligned with the constitution. He's a conservative who wants to change America back to its original promise of personal responsibility and non government intervention within our lives. He's pragmatic, and everything I've ever wanted in a cadidate.

Hmm

If you read all of that last post dibs. Initially I didn't intend on making it so long I swear!

One thing, sort of irrelevant. Haha, I was reading Alyssa's blog where she complains of this emotional hell or well as she describes it.. you know, being in America and having access to such surplus, it really makes it hard for our elaborate woeful poetry to have any meaning to it. Haha.. it just makes us sound like spoiled rotten brats. I think I'd much rather be rejected socially than scraping potato scraps for my dying sister.

To what end can we not even complain anymore! Such a sad fate....

In the wind will float my answer.

For what are men but vessels of words, no longer shall I confide to myself any other treatment. The forces are growing, where evil men lay in secret. Drawing from them rank and number, the plans are on the table. To what do we know is not of the question, but now to what we don't. We've listened to those about the sully areas, like the self conscious boy who does not wish to irritate and offend, we've been castrated from our place on top of the noble tower and our eagle-eyes blinded. Those we listen to are those who are afraid of us, their fear has mustered into jealousy and resistance and from them the complications arose. It's no longer worth it to determine who initially started it nor is it worthy of time anymore to contest our ego's. They have affirmed their stance through our own tools nonetheless, haha. Words no longer matter now, it is in that that can not be said that does. The forces of freedom must act, and act quickly. Too many needlessly starve and die whilst we thrive and prosper. We can't possess any self respect whilst we allow this to continue that in our power so dormant now as to have forgotten the light of day rests. We need not war nor occupation, but the alliance of the people. This is accomplished through the overthrow of the enslaver. Kim Jung-Ill can no longer be tolerated, nor his military generals. Neither can Musharraf, both an example of America's mistake in succumbing to the liberals. We're too afraid to finish Kim Jung back then, we were too afraid to finish Musharraf. We've come to support them - subsidize them - in the hopes of winning their allegiance to our cause. So to does the judge give the criminal money to stop raping his victim? Such a cowardly cause, and the international community scoffs at us even then, making us out to be the supporters of the dictators when if we tried to overthrow them like we did with Castro, the international community would be in an uproar! FIE TO THEM! Words are dependent on air to be transmitted, have they now a monopoly on the air? They have paralyzed our lungs, we no longer have access to the wind to carry our voices. Our words are what they are, they need no wind, they're formulated in our minds so right and so pure as to be self-evident, that we feel it an exercise in waste to even feel the need to speak them. Yet, it is not so, they need to be spoken - they need to be realized - the international community is nothing but an alliance of apathetic cynics! Darfur continues death, Kim Jung continues exploitation, China continues to not teach Tienanmen, and the obligatory overthrows of evils is binded with status quo shouts from a top the dungeons of the U.N. They have their intellectualized excuses so as to bind America and freedom from the rest of the world, and in half truths it carries some weight... but to what end my fellow ~ let us not even care about the inherent motivations but instead ask the question to what end should we allow such gross death and horrid living styles? The forces of evil exist because good men do nothing, and they will stand to grow. The misdirected policies used to contest these forces are not the tools of our fathers and are instead the mutated ugly hammer and sickle of them. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves in every respect. Now the courses have been set in motion, for the outside world is not static. We can only hope that Pakistan does not erupt into civil war, or that N.Korea decides to sell nukes to terrorists. We can only hope that our own government doesn't turn into them, that our electronic voting machines be rigged and new candidates turn out in the form of dictators. We can only hope with our words and definitions, but the wind is where our fate now lies due to our negligence.
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R.I.P. Benazir Bhutto --- we are so sorry. We who know what we did, and we who knows what you could have.

It seems so irrelevant now, but here are my (updated) grades
Texas Politics - A
Chemistry - A
Macroeconomics - A (had a real conservative professor too)
Latin - A
Writing - A
Straight A's... the only time in my life I've gotten that haha. I've applied for a lot of merit scholarships now, I hope to get a few.. I think I'm guaranteed at least 500 dollars now in grants due to 4.0 gpa. It increases with each semester. If I get them all I should have my next semester paid for completely and my fall semester as well.. I'll update on that later.

Next semester classes
Chemistry II
Chemistry lab - 5 Freakin hour class!
Latin II
Writing II
Calculus I
Should be fun. Hopefully I can get straight A's again... next fall I'll be taking the straight science slate I described earlier. I actually can't wait to get back to San Antonio, to get back to doing things and acquainted with my new room mate. I miss my daily routine of going to the gym and showing up all the homosexual body builder stereoid abusers there haha. I've actually made friends with a homosexual guy, and news reports that hell is not frozen and still boiling over. I told him about that and that he should probably confess his sins of being gay.. haha no, I'm not like that. I don't mind homosexuals so long as they don't act effeminate. Ew. I hate effeminate guys.

---And now for something completely different.---

Oh man, my first college party happened on new years day. In terms of awkwardness I can hardly describe, a general feeling of nauseating anxiety perforated through my stomach the whole day before. I would come to find out what I expected was grossly grossly wrong. So wrong in fact, that I went home the next morning seriously questioning every one of my stances on everything. I've never been so wrong in my life.

Where I went wrong was trusting Steven, a fellow who -- despite having a flamboyantly cool personality, has to fabricate stories and realities about himself so as to further depict himself as some sort of socialite god I guess. I don't know why he does it, it's not like he needs to compensate for anything, I expect he has a great social life.. well anyways, he was saying how there was going to be thirty or so girls there that he knew, that it was going to be at his cousins house that has a pool in it.. and that it'd be a lot of fun. When we got there haha, every story that he built up came crashing down. For one thing, his cousin turned out to be this really strung out crack addict - whose boyfriend had half his face paralyzed - probably from some sort of Rochambeau incident involving a baseball bat - I care not to speculate further. "aAAYAYA... yo dawg geez we'z gotz stuff,, pot is in that room - hhaa my nugga (referring to Robert, I'll get to that later) we'z calls that snoop dwahg dsg room dyawa ffdshdfa *inssert incoherent rambling* I was like.. "err wtf?" Oh ya, the house? No it was an apartment lol. A crappy small one at that. Steven didn't know his cousin's boyfriend, and other people started coming in ~ I realized at once that this wasn't Steven's party like he suggested ~ he just asked his crack addict cousin to invite whoever.. probably because he doesn't know people to invite himself.. the other guys started coming in ~ one with a baseball bat, "Yo, dawgs We'z jus got in fight anagdf g liiiikke yesterday'z in shitz with Tony, we'z been goin at it like ferr an hour an shi'iii back N' forth back N' forth.. they'z been selling pussy at that party, whole tank smelled like pussy" ~ At hearing that statement I realized intellectual discourse about the plight of women in the oppressive America's view of sexualization was out of the question. I was like "WTF" in my head, I wasn't afraid, I could have taken any one of them ~ and if they guy hit me with the bat I think that would have just made me madder..any ways you can surmise where that party went.. A lot more people did show up, but none were of any interest to me. It was all accepting and I did talk to a lot of people, up to the point where my friends got drunk and started going psycho. Jeff turned out to be an "aggressive" drunk
you have

-Wallowing drunks - those who tell you about how crappy their life is and how doom and gloom
-Sexual drunks - those who lose ALL inhibitions and I do mean ALL
-Aggressive drunks - those who equate punching someone in the face as colloquial rap artist greeting
-Intellectual drunks - those who discover the inner meaning of possessing the higher order brain instead of just the primitive one.
such and such

anyways, I want to get to Robert - he's an African American friend of mine who is perhaps the coolest person I'll ever know in my life. He's so above the rules and pressures of society, I love how he's oblivious to peer pressure. He only went to the party to make sure Sean didn't do anything stupid. He and I made a pact that we wouldn't drink despite everyone else drinking. He's so popular, very funny and talented in constructing arguments, yet doesn't feel obligated to follow other people and do the things they do. He sees parties as equally retarded as I do and for the same reasons as well. I love talking to him about intellectual things, and he's a very moral person. He's looked out for Sean when Sean needed him, and I'm not referring to just this party, a lot of shit has been going on in Sean's life and I've been away at San Antonio that Robert was there to look after him. I like how Robert thinks, he thinks a lot like me - haha I wonder if he has the same.. illness as me. The state of being an intellectual a true one ~ with the self awareness of oneself and ones environment unfortunately entails an excruciating level of pain. So sad if he goes through that too.

Lastly, I want to talk about Yalan, she'll never read this blog but I will, and I never want to forget her. You know how when you're a friend with someone for a while and you connect? Then for perhaps loss of interest or whatever you cease to see each other? Usually the person enters into this bitter form, where they condemn that friend as being unworthy in some form or another so as to preserve their own ego.. I've never done this, I've thought about her with such longing, that in what wind I've wondered has surrounded her, to what force does it blow her hair? To what environment does she walk, that she notices the things so bare? Bare of value perhaps the twigs she walks over, the trees desolate in color to be doomed to mere brown. I know she exists in the same plane I do, and I wonder if she ever thinks about the wind as I. I wonder not only about her, but the things around her, I wonder the rooms she'll be in in college, how high the ceiling. I'll wonder if she'll look at the ceiling and wonder about it as well. All the places she'll inhabit all the things so easy to exclude from thought, but that whose importance is everything we are not. If you've noticed you can not rationalize the subjective meanings I've put in these lines and this is to emphasize a point. There are those things that we can't put into words yet. It is not the question of what we know, but what we do not.

I guess, I'm doomed to never know... about her.