I wish it could rain forever, rain is so conducive to thinking. The consistent sound of rain is just soo soothing... and the cold from it so rejuvenating. That it signifies at the very least a less stressed day and at the most free slip and slides!

Redecorating

Well, I'm back home now from college, must say I don't know how I managed to live 18 years of my life here haha. I miss the independence already. Mother throwing in her usual chore demands upon reentering this familiar abode was not reassuring in the slightest. So many memories of this place, the bed to which I spent many nights before trials of the next day ~ worrying and thinking about more peaceful times ahead - ha. How I wish I could reach my hand back into the far stretches of time and slap my hopeful past self right in the cheek... oh and take his money. The chair to which I've sat on talking to my friends and sharing so many laughs and heart breaks.. the walls to which I've stared and idly thought about such things as how point-like particles exhibit field like characteristics like the proposed Meson in mediating the strong nuclear force, and how this related to the fabric of the universe and daily life. Oh, also the T.V. where I lost my virginity to one scandalous episode of dark angel. Jessica Alba shouldn't be allowed to wear tight black leather garments, that's only a recipe for stirring up the male population in a primitive-cognitive frenzy.

Mom really hasn't changed that much, personality wise. She's still the same sensitive overbearing mother she always was, but she's picked up more hours at her school to keep herself away from the home, and I feel so guilty because I know it was me that made her comfortable here, that in my absence the only thing she has to look forward to is silence. She now quite literally teaches the entire special education population of Pflugerville *and* their retarded high school drop out brothers. It's definitely weighed on her, the 10-12 hour days, she looks soooo stressed and it kills me because I know i'm partially responsible.. don't worry mother, i'll be back this fall and things will be happy and exciting for you again. This is something I don't want to fall into with whomever I marry. That when we're 40-something and our kids are all grown up that we've grown apart to the point where we no longer communicate with each other, I think despite exploring just about everything that could be explored with each other in twenty years of familiarizing, I'd still yearn to hold my partner at age 40-something and if but not for anything else I'd never want her to feel estranged from my grasp lest I lose all faith in life and love. That I will still think of things to do with her, and one must always think of ways to make her feel beautiful, wanted, desired else she becomes a wreak and you do too.. Sigh, my dad has effectively sealed himself off from this feeling, if he ever possessed it. He's a very smart man but much too timid for love. One must never be afraid to express love, it makes one not weak but strong for it takes an immense control of ones emotional and ego center to be able to admit a greater sense of want to someone else than one would show even to themself... *sigh* how I yearn for love.. but at the moment I'm no where near stable to enjoy such a matrimony.

I wonder how my Mom is going to be like when I really *do* move away, when I really *am* gone and won't return permanently, ever. We'll have our transient visits of course and perhaps discuss times long forgotten when in those situations we strain to create the spark of memory. I certainly hope she doesn't turn into psycho cat throwing woman like one sees in the movies. My dad I invision won't change much, he hasn't invested that much "emotional" weight into me, but I am his only friend that we've discussed so many things in regards to science that without me, he has no one to talk to about his ideas and things. I may be surprised, it might actually wind up being my dad who turns into the psycho shotgun wielding grandpa.. haha. And that's another thing, when will my parents start expecting me to have grand kids? I mean, they're not hell bent on image or anything or society's expectations, but I assume they want me to gain the same memories they've gained in their life and would be very depressed if they knew that their son never enjoyed the pleasure of raising his own son...

*sigh*
This house is covered in dust now, it's been used, and it's past its prime. A recurring theme around this place, and I know this is ultimately what I have to look forward to, that which is out of my control... ultimately, I'll buy a house, and will have a wife, we'll raise kids and experience those ecstasy laden 20's and 30's together, playing helicopter with baby boy and teaching him how to steal cars... err, I mean get good grades in Math and how to stand up for moral character. Then they'll grow up and the house of which at one time was so lively and warm will turn dark and cold, and accumulate dust... Hopefully though the antiques I sell will be worth more than the crappy 50's antiques that generation got.. I mean jeez, 5 cents for a whiffle stoffer? I feel sorry for the old guy who sold that to that antique store... I'm going to be supporting myself on the antiquized Super Nintendo I sell or what not... or Two-dimensional T.V. I have.... you know, since Hillary Clinton will utterly ruin the social security system.

But perhaps it's not out of my control, yes I will age, but it doesn't have to follow this linear path of fun --> gloom, so long as the love is lively and vibrant and desired, my heart will forever race with enticement around my partner, and so, so long as I invest all my emotional and intellectual and physical wit into her, I will forever be perpetually happy for she will then never dull to me.. that even if everything rots around me she will forever be new... that when everything is absurd she will be simple, and in times of panic she will be the calm... I just have to reshape myself so that I can be likewise to her, I have to regain my intellectual ability, my passions, my physical shape... and this is all within my control.

ahh to be young again haha..

Oh.. also relevant to the title of this blog.
I want to redecorate my apartment. Firstly, by cleaning it (lyke duh) secondly.. I want a grand father clock, and a leather chair... with some plants so that I can make a little mini relaxing area to where I can study in my room and sip coffee whilst I read biochemistry next semester... I don't know, I'm really not into fashion ideas..

Another thing, it's absolutely crazy.
I just can't stop thinking about her. About Yalan. It's been two months now, and I just can't... It seems to strike me late at night as well, like I can go through the day perfectly oblivious but the second I try to sleep feelings of immense disconnection overwhelm me and I think about such a person she is and was...

I can't sleep anymore..

Where has our honor gone?

Longing for the days under Washington, that no sweeter existence can be than in those grand times of idealistic liberalism backed with disciplined resolve.

I am a liberal actually, one who believes in Democracy and liberty.
Why change that?

The governments of men are good for one thing, and that thing so hideous and grotesque and misshapen in all blue prints seeks to impose upon us its confusion and lies. Why should we knowingly vote for those who so obviously root themselves in this design?

We are blind and misled. We must reread the very scriptures of Locke, Madison, and Jefferson and look to the East where public dignity is raped by an overlord government.

The day America fails is the day we listen to the enemies of our fathers.

What if everything were possible?

I'm going to start writing here on a more habitual basis like I've said, I don't really know why... I'm at that point where I don't want to admit that I can't remember my life to a desirable level, but yet I do seem to enjoy looking back at things just to see what I was thinking at the time. It's actually a wonder how my thought processes have changed over my life despite my strong resistive cognitive force that I thought would always keep me in line, thinking back I've really jumped philosophy to philosophy and I hope to be able to continue that trend lest I stagnate in this sort of psychosomatic hell that I'm in.

Hells are fun though, they've taught me my capability and that I don't need to hurt or harm others or present adversity to others to validate myself but rather I've achieved this through the sheer hell I live in day in and day out. I thrive in it actually, I think I've become so accustomed to it, that if it were to leave I'd feel odd and vulnerable. I enjoy the weight like I've said though, for without it, I would never have challenged myself to adapt, and I would have ended up like my peers enjoying life and leisure and never actively seeking advancement.

Anyways, I'm done with complaining, it's just so disgusting really, why should I shift my problems on others involuntarily, it's selfish of me and makes for horrible conversation anyway. I need to grow my inner strength and bottle it all up until atom bomb capacity.

It's inexcusable that I haven't been writing blogs about my college experience this semester, but to tell you the truth I've been so busy studying and what not that I haven't really had time to even think about my circumstances. Haha I like how I type in the "second" person tense, no one else other than me will be reading this so I guess it's alright if I write without inhibition.


----
Beginning the year was really hard, I had gotten accepted to U.T. on a deferred program where I have to spend a year at U.T. San Antonio for a year before I get into the main campus of Austin. This is because U.T. Austin is one of the most prestigious colleges not only in the nation, but in the entire world, with several professors of science holding nobel peace awards in many facets of science - the most famous one being Steven Weinburg (well not 'famous' but intriguing to me.) who got his in the field of physics in the 1970's for proposing the idea of unification of forces which led to unified state theory ~ though I agree with it I think it's an oversimplification and doesn't serve the end to which it was originally designed to answer -- but that gets into technicalities far beyond the scope of which this blog should be exposed to. I don't like publishing my thoughts anyways, because I've found people have stolen them and proclaim them as their own.... so I've stopped utterly. Not that it really matters, I don't think anyone will be able to follow the trail of logic that leads me from answer to answer but the theory i'm working on would significantly disappoint me if someone publishes it before me.

Weinburg still teaches but understandably at a limited level, being that he's like a million years old. That's what's so disappointing, there doesn't seem to be the substance of minds around nowadays like there were several decades ago. I would have died to get into a class of theoretical physics with Dr. Oppenheimer, I would have been in that posse of students he had that followed him everywhere.. ha..

Anyways, I'll be going to U.T. Austin this fall and will be enrolling in biochemistry medical science physics chemistry classes.... Straight science. no electives, no math nothing else... I don't know what I want to do yet, medicine is very intriguing to me and I go to the library to read medical journals for hours on end --- since, you know, I have no social life, but so what? People talk to each other for but one reason, advancement... some will say it's for fun, and that's very true, hanging out with people does bring feelings of excitement, fun, etc. etc. but the reason it yields that, is because evolution has always dictated that a creature needs to adapt to its environment in order to reproduce, so when we are accepted into a group or something, it tells our brain that we are acceptable and that we are capable of reproducing and our brain likewise rewards that. Most people will just tell you they hang out with other people for fun... without really asking why they experience the fun... So long as I meet the one I love, and utterly pamper her and die my soul to her, than I will have all that socially I could ever want... I care not for trivial interaction anymore, I care not for petty words exchanged with childish interactions, I want a deep connection I want someone who has transcended the typical ladder and has the strength and force to mend me and I her.. that's the relationship I want, one of wonder and excitement..

I digress so much, haha... but room mates hmm.

Jorge-
Jorge is a really religious person, who believes he's apart of a spiritual world and that everything around him is controlled by an ultimate destiny. He's catholic and has strong christian beliefs. His beliefs thus aren't very original and I can basically anticipate how he's going to feel to any external circumstance... he's really funny and has a great personality, very easy going and nice, possesses a strong moral honor to him but hasn't vested a lot of thought into it.. He'll be courteous but he possesses an ego to him that won't allow him to love passionately another woman, thus he's never had a girlfriend because he's afraid to expose that side to himself. Definitely someone I enjoy hanging out with, he's always got something witty to say...

err I have to end this post a little early..

Grades thusfar:
Economics - A
Chemistry - A
Texas Politics - A
Writing - ??? (hasn't posted yet)
Latin - ??? (hasn't posted yet)

Gah! I hate waiting for grades to be posted!

Mind sedating device, disconnected.

I figure I might as well employ this online journal again for writing on paper has become so ..geriatric? Although this utility annoys me that the words I type lag about two seconds from when I hit the keyboard. Honestly what the heck? How can there be so much data being processed from mere typing that it overloads the system?

Forget it. I'm just going to type on word document and paste.
You heard me right, I've successfully managed to adapt to using word document and not microsoft word!!! hahaha! Every time I do it I feel like I'm depriving Bill Gates of the money requisite to buy that additional sex slave. Grow my little Geia pet. Grow. and let you not be touched by socioeconomical prejudice.

Although, my professors seem to not be fond of one word lines followed by mixtures and mazes... It's like they deliberately make the software crap >.< Hence, I draw a map for every paper I write.
--------

The little kid says poo

Isn't life great?

We all focus on priorities, we all orient our minds towards immediate goals and objectives. From time to time, when we get overwhelmed in these pursuits, we'll escape to an other world, a world that transcends the common thoughts of man. A world where we find comfort in our insecurities that everyone is insecure ~ life perhaps, or even so broad a topic as the creation, design, and existence of the universe. We find comfort because in our moments of desperation, we realize that our value we place in our lives and in our goals and potential failures are -- at least in a philosophical sense ~ obsolete. Imagine if Earth was all that was, if there were no outside space or vast void. If everything truly was ALL or NOTHING. Would the world be any different than what it is today? Would civilizations have acted differently? Assuming nature was constant all the way up until the neolithic revolution. (Ok assume something like the sun existed and the moon controlling the tides but without occupying space ... I know I know... technicalities.)

This is a question I quite literally formulated three seconds ago while I was writing this blog. Comment on what you think.

On Human Sexuality.

It fascinates me that there is actually a reputable position of "human sexuality researcher" out there. "So son, what're you going to do with that college degree?" "I'm g'unna be a sexuality researcher!" pleasant little jingle, and I'm sure it complies with their inert childhood dreams indeed. Seriously though, how would one go about such a task as researching such a broad and diverse field as sexuality? Seemingly any anecdotal case study or small group would lead to erroneous results due to the "failure of composition" clause and I very much doubt willing and respectable participants would come flocking to an ad depicting "Sexual experiment being conducted ~ need >1,000 people" Well, I mean rest assured people would come - they just not be your average white picket fence guys from the Enzyte commercials.

However, with a little skepticism and scrutiny one can reasonably define sexuality as what it is and how it's not something that's malleable. Since the popular culture began picking up the topic of homosexuality psychologists, priests, and even your friendly neighborhood spiderman began theorizing as to the roots of human sexuality. However, none of these people are the right people to correctly define it. For sexuality exists without human social psychology in a myriad of other creatures and beyond the going-on's of behind the alter. It has existed far before priests have even been around to declare it a sin. Indeed, it is a scientist who must study it, for sexuality is a physical thing controlled by physical law. Think about it, sexuality has existed for many a millennium in lesser things without the capability for psychological evaluation. It's the most significant thing to the survival of our species and our whole complex ~ our whole bodily systems have been geared towards keeping us alive, why would mother nature not decide to stain in her hands in the naughty business?

Not even going into the scientific studies showing a correlation of one twin being homosexual increasing the chance of the other one being as well nor offspring with uncles or aunts who're homosexual possessing a higher chance of becoming gay or lesbian, let's delve into the logical argument of malleability. Don't you think with the horrible treatment homosexuals receive that if they could "shift" their sexuality to a more culturally accepted gender attraction they'd have done so? Indeed, many have tried. Psychologists ~ well, psychologists who aren't the equivalent of voo-doo doctors have almost universally reported failures of converting homosexuals in short-term and long-term case studies. I challenge a reader out there to find a case of a genuine homosexual being "converted" This is because what we find sexually attractive is hard-lined into our brain. That we can't just look at any old person and consciously decide "ooo-la-la" because if that were the cause, many freakish mates would have occured, men would have mated with women who weren't conducive to survival and vice versa. Nature took over this part of our brains so as to make sure we don't fuck it up. Pun intended. This is why certain physical structures of another produce "turn-ons" such as being thin and well endowed (if you know what I mean) In this way it's no more useful to say that a person can change their sexuality than to say they can change their skin color. Perhaps over a course of thousands of years selective adaptation can occur to alter our taste in physical traits, but over the course of one lifetime it's not possible because the physical inclinations have already been given to us.

Things like bisexuality do exist, but this doesn't contradict the scientific argument. You'll find many animals who're bisexual, and all it is, is just a denomination of sexuality given two interests at birth rather than one.

For me, I could never be "sexually" attracted to another male. I've tried, it's just *not* possible. Even trying to think of them as female my body recognizes the fake out and doesn't lend me any ecstasy. From a socioological perspective this is confusing, because males are less confusing and let's face it... more active and hence fun than females... but it's not society that dictates my sexuality ~ it's nature. Thus it follows that when I see an attractive female, a hormonal concoction of fire and energy engulfs my being that I'm no more in control of than my serotonin levels. Due to this, i've developed a lust for all things female. Their comforting nature, sympathetic demeanors, and childlike innocence... I would much rather spend time with a female than a male.

The same I'm sure is true for the readers out there. Ever since you thought about this stuff, you've fantasized about one gender (or two if bisexual) you receive the hormonal ecstasy when you're around that one gender... the nervousness...excitatory response..I challenge you to try and mimic that feeling with whatever the "neglected" gender is...

I'm off to a case study..

Grade report and the rest of the story.

Ok, in an effort to capitalize on a recent bout of success and fortify my ego I'm going to imprint permanently my grades thusfar as of 10/3/07 and know henceforth that in this moment of time atleast... everything was swell. (I suspect I'll reread this blog after finals in which case I'll have been thoroughly pwn'ed and depressed that hopefully the inspiring thought of "oh ya.. back then I could have been something...something uplifts me somewhat"

Economics Mid-Term-96%
As proud as I should be of getting such a grade, I am not. The test itself was ridiculusly easy and what's more, there were 5 Count them 5 bonus questions for a total of 10 extra credit points!! That's absurd! 10 extra points on a test that counts 35% of my grade? Jeez, I significantly doubt that's college material. How many readers in college out there get such a spot? Eh... it's like I could have missed 1/5 of the questions and still gotten an "A"

Chemistry Mid-Term-92%
I think she gave us the wrong test. That somehow the real chemistry test wound up at her secret alter-ego professor of special ed class and we got chemistry for retards. Seriously, I finished the test in 7 minutes...and the only questions I missed were due to careless errors... and I forgot that Fluorine exists as a diatomic particle.. boo hoo..

Writing Class - 9/10
I'm fairly disappointed in this one, it's like I've lost my knack for writing. It takes me soooo long to write even pitiful uninspiring sentences, it's like my once routine trains of thought are stalled out on the track. I once was able to crap out the shit like a bulimic on laxatives, but alas woe is me. Hehe, actually I'm starting to regain my interests which is a delightful thing.

Latin - 105%
Latin is my bitch. (I scored a 100 + 5 bonus points)
or
Latinum beechum muum est.

Texas Politics - Haven't taken it yet.


Yesterday I talked to Gorge (pronounced whore-hey -- but you can call him whore. - I do) Escalante about all sorts of world events and philosophical topics - which certainly broke the mundanity of uninteresting topics like our neighbor girls or Tehran. We discussed North Korea and impending doom, the injustice and maladies of that land. Coupled with China, with N.Koreans flooding the border causing further strain on an already strained Chinese economy. Then we discussed communism and subsequently Fidel Castro, I started making bets with him as to when the old loaf was going to keel. It's like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you know it's going to fall it just might take a few centuries. He bet he'd live another 2 years I said by this time 2008 Hillary Clinton will be attending his funeral.

Suffice to say a year from now I'm going to be three sweet tart candies-the-richer.

------------
I'm growing further concerned over a friend of mine whose state is anything but stable. It's sick. How many guys swarm her and ask her to go to "clubs" with them, they don't care at all about her welfare or health they just care that she looks pretty and is fun to get high with. It's disgusting. That i'm in a situation utterly without power because she's addicted. Addicted to the club life of hard drugs and reckless parties. I know this because she tells me, and all the while I'm listening I just want to reach out my arms and hold her. Hold her from the weight of the world, hide the cold darkness of its all-consuming nature and shelter her from all evil. Not as a loving embrace, but as a hero's one. I want to be her hero. I want to be the guy who is the anchor of logic for her in a sea of insanity. I know I would be the first and only, and my desire to be such stems from the severity of the situation - she *is* dying. I would never allow such an occurence if it is in my will to challenge it, for I could never look myself in the mirror if someone died that I could have saved. When I look at her now, I see the same as one would see another in peril - needing to be rescued. Though I have the advantage of having time to plan my actions which couldn't be said of someone acting in a perilious situation as say - trying to save someone drowning in a river. Though the forces of river - metaphorically speaking are all to equivalent. The other guys who're attractive, lure her to go with them.. the drugs, physiologically control her.. her own mental status - neurotic to lend her little resistence to anything. I already now my first course of action... the plan will be set in motion fairly soon.

*sigh*
On an unrelated matter.
I want someone to love. Someone out there... to hold me.

The last lecture

Nothing more I can add to this:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=362421849901825950&hl=en

Look up there! O friend...

Advanced warning: This blog has no sense of direction. So if you're one who will only read a one dimensional linear essay style plot/theme, I suggest you high tail it out of this web page and head over here ..You'll learn something and continue along the path of slowly destroying your soul. win/win :)

I jest of course, it is only by cultural pressures that we treat intellectual ideals and paradigms like three year old asses that need to be slapped. A sad state of affairs indeed, and one that did not always exist.

"Why?" My friend asks in a proportion that is kind to his A.D.D. "Why do you not want to do this?" "Why not that" "Why don't you drink some alcohol" "Why not try this" "Why not sleep over" "Why not go hunting ..." "Why do you care about physics?"

Through the course of our friendship I have been berated with these questions and have tolerated all but the last one, to which I responded, "You and I have different views of life. Whereas you are inclined to think of life in mere context of domestic nature, you necessarily must shut off all interest in the grand scheme of the universe. I am the exact opposite. The universe is the omega, the alpha, and the beta. It is where everything was born from, it is where everything will go, nothing transcends it in value, and it is the ultimate puzzle to which I must control. Control is the only thing a human is good for, and most minds seek to utilize their wills for domestic things for they give up on believing they can affect the vastness of everything. I view this as limiting what life is, by conceding it a limit to which it cannot transcend. I don't believe in limits, and I see that form of life as the ultimate depression via stagnation. Apathy and existentialism, are for fools who by narrowly focused ego's preserve their inert need to feel powerful, but shelter themselves from the true reality of their weak minded ambitions."
Sean hasn't asked me any more questions in a while.

Sean has developed into what I predicted he would.
He lives by the rules of society, his environment. For that is where his mind has been focused or perhaps molded to. He understands what he must do to achieve higher ranking and popularity and unfortunately for him, obstacles exist that bar him from achieving what he wants~ he has an extreme phobia from girls. Nevertheless, in this mindset he is willing to do what is deemed proper by society to achieve his goals. Stereotypically cool things like airsofting, stealing, alcohol, parties, but not cigarettes (because cigarettes are now denounced by society) are things he utilizes to compensate for his shortcomings. He does have a moral outlook, but it lends him little inertia towards doing things that are illogical but his desire for fun and adrenaline often trumps any "good-boy" qualities. He'd gladly go out and shoot ducks with his airsoft gun just for the feeling it gives him... and when I refuse and take the gun from him, he doesn't understand... it's not like it's causing any pain to us or him... why must I refrain from doing fun activities? What's wrong with "me?" I try to teach him but I'm afraid I'm fighting an uphill battle. Intellectuals are lame. Remember? He's more inclined to listen to a pedophile talk about drugs than me talk about moral philosophy.

(Ha.. perhaps the reason I berate him so is because I feel like I can not control him from society. Thus, I denounce him as any human denounces what it can not manipulate and control.)

But we do have fun. When it's good and clean. And he has taught me a lot too.. He has taught me to come out of my shell and participate with others. To not be so offended by society and to take risks I otherwise would never have. Perhaps if we could find a medium to where we compromise we'd be the perfect beings. Ha...

I love riding on his boat. Wakeboarding. Skiing. Talking about "Fiiiiiiishin" and just the way the water sprays on my body in a cool mist sheltering me from the Texas sun. It's that conquering of nature, the establishing of equilibrium in the face of adverse conditions that makes one feel in so control. So powerful. So mighty. and ... so lonely. The boat itself just represents another compensatory tool for Sean, who purchased it without the financial backing to do it... but it's fun and fun trumps logic. If it doesn't.. then you're a nerd and boring and lame...remember?

But Sean, Sean does have a self-conscious, it's just not always present. He's a nice guy, and when it comes down to it.. whether his intent is evil or not, he'd help anyone out with any kind of crisis. He does have somewhat a direction in life, and he has never gotten into a fight. Despite his insecurity when it comes to girls, he's very secure when it comes to socializing with friends. He'll invite anyone to come along, and we often have 12-15 people play airsoft with us... 20-30% of whom the rest of the posse never met.. because Sean knows these guys don't have friends, and he doesn't judge them and allows them to have a life with us... it's what we did when we first met.. neither of us had much of a life, but we started being friends and I'm glad I never turned my back. Sean, I would contend.. would do anything for me and I anything for him should the need arise. Sean may use society to dictate to him how to act in things where he's unsure of himself, but where he does have ideas.... in treating other "human" people.. he is completely at odds with society and fashions his own original being that I think, if nurtured... would lead him to success.

We all look to our environment to conduct ourselves in ways it dictates.. if we don't have our own niche to do so. It's just like the market place... If I have a hammer, how do I know what to sell it for? it could be 5$ in America... but in Africa it could go for 25$ ... I let the market tell me what to sell it for... in this way, we all have goals... we all want friends, a sex life, and experiences... well what is the "price" of those things? One quickly finds out that one must conduct themselves in the behavior or mannerisms of what is cool in order to bargain love and friends... unless of course, one finds a niche in the market that directly complies ith their personality traits.. I know for a fact that if I try and walk into a school with a physics book and suspenders people will quickly label me an outcast and I'll be what furbies are now... a lame product.

But I have strong beliefs, and I do believe that a life that is currently pursued by this society is not a life worth living.. thus I search for the one who complies with me... who values intellectual pursuits... who inspires me.. and who I inspire them...

why has society lost its way so? Heh... that's a whole nother essay

Where is that blues music coming from?

*Key in mission impossible music* I'm writing this blog at my own peril as the scurrying of claws from my apparently rabies infected cats are swarming all around me. I know the risk, (cat scratch fever is a bitch!) but seriously, this one is necessary. Really necessary, as we all get ready for that routine sleep tonight, unbeknown to us the toils of others, the thoughts, concerns, or pains of the world at large as the moon crawls to the sky inconspicuous to us within our walled-in abodes. We all know it is there, but as it is not in our immediate line of vision we pay it no mind. I pay it mind. I've payed it mind against my will for many a night. More than I care to recount, that it has become more acquainted with me than any of my friends, and for that it is my burden to bear. Now I've slept, and do wonder, who now bears the burden, who must see that which I've seen, who else out there in this great big world, with the many people, possesses the guilty eyes?

I've seemed to have developed a bad habit. One finds one will develop many of those with an infinite supply of curiosity. Myspace searching. Basically when I find the time has been stretched and my mind wanders, I look at random peoples myspaces to see what they're up to and learn about strangers and how they're getting along in life and the dramas they may face. Yes yes, I know, weird, but in my defense at least I can say my intent was innocuous! A ticklish thing then occurred when on one of my random excursions I stumbled upon a domestic sighting. An old classmate, hardly acquainted enough to even be called acquaintances, this guy was primo popular at my high school. He had all sorts of jokes and witty responses that there were times I wish the teacher would just shut up and let this guy speak. He made me laugh so, of course I never directly talked to him, I was much to shy and unconfident. I would listen to him talk to others and make his class clown remarks, and it in turn provided a bright thing to look forward to during my typical shitty high school days of advanced calculus and tackling drills. (try mixing the two - it's fun) Well. Anyways, I was always jealous of his social skills, and the number of friends he had. Gosh, he probably could have picked any girl he wanted, with just a point of his finger and bam! the girl would be letting him play with her belly button piercing or something without ever knowing him!

Ironic it was then when I happened on to his blogs. I would link them, but out of privacy reasons and personal property I think I should refrain. They were like something directly out of Edvard
Munch's "scream" painting. With heart wrenching sentences of how apathetic and depressed he was. How he didn't care for anything, and the chronic pain and feeling had robbed him of enjoying anything, how he wished he could sleep for eternity and never wake... how he's been struggling with suicide attempts and infinite wells of emptiness. It went on and on and all the while I can not fathom that this person, who in all aspects of life was successful in the things that most men desire, could feel this way for so long. That beneath his shining exterior lurked this imp-like interior.

Most baffling, was how this could be, how this dichotomy could even exist. For in a personal light, I who have suffered so much from day to day, have never plunged into such deep pits of depression ~ and that's what he has ~ depression... and I never had the girlfriends or large amounts of friends or support that he did. Was he weak? Was he selfish? Whiney? All these things might be possible explanations for one not familiar with mental illness. I highly doubt anyone would be able to rationalize how a man could worry about say, having brain cancer every minute of the day for months on end... because if they could, they'd have it themselves. In this same way I could not rationalize why he was in so much pain without the aggressors to warrant his woe because I've never been that depressed before. Oh sure, psychiatrists will say anxiety/depression are inter-related... but these opinions are coming from people who have never personally felt the mental illnesses they try to define. They can not get into the head or thoughts of someone with a mental illness because they don't have the connection to how it works, breathes, and consumes itself within a person. In this way, anxiety and depression are no more inter-related than physical pain vs. mental pain. Anxiety stems from a self-concerning worry whereas depression from a self-defeating apathy. The two, if in extreme amounts can spill over to another, much like how physical pain, if in extreme amounts can spill over to mental pain... but besides that, by themselves they are not inter-related, and i've never been depressed despite having anxiety disorder.

So, what is depression? Often times to a normal person, the rational is that we all have objectives or goals in life... and that "depression" occurs when we fall short of said goal or objective, and that the intensity of the depression corresponds with how short we fall.. WRONG! that's just the blues, and it never achieves the extent of what depression - a medical illness is. Otherwise, a fellow like the man I mentioned earlier, would never be depressed, because he has just about everything worthwhile to provide him happiness. Well then, it must be selfishness then! He must want an infinite amount of something, and thus is caught in a perpetual disappointment which causes his and everyone diagnosed with depression...'s depression. WRONG! depression is caused not by an excessive amounts of wants, but at a lack thereof. It is a form of apathy, that those with depression lose their memory and thought, because the incentive to think and remember things goes away. They literally go days without thinking about much other than what's in front of them, and in this way an infinite amount of anything still amounts to nothing in much the same was as anything times zero still equals zero. The key to treating depression is to get them thinking again, bolster bolster their ego, force them to think of themselves highly. Anything that gets them excited or thinking about something, because when they show that they're thinking about something, than they obviously care for it ~ which means it then has a value to them, and they are thus losing their apathy ~ which is the root of depression.

For this fellow, I imagine he's like the minotaur running around a maze with a concealed violinist playing the blues...
where or where are those blues coming from?

The Pad. Dwg.

I'll start this off innocent enough. Not out of choice but out of my inability to do what I wanted to do... which is post pictures, because truthfully there are some things in this world only a picture can do justice. Like this: (http://www.michaeltotten.com/archives/images/Hillary%20Clinton.jpg) eh.. I'll just wait until I go back home thursday and grab my Camera... and I'll update this monday when I return.



Ok, well now that that(hehe I always get tickled when I write that that) tantrum is out of the way, I arrived here August 18th where I met my awkward moment lee first. (I can speak french) I made my way up into the dark corners of my apartment complex HQ, past the ominous squeels of fathers losing their daughters and of daughters losing their wallets.... into the assimilation room where I met what can be described as none other than Paul Bunyan. Seriously, this dude belonged in a forest not a freakin college apartment building he was like 7 feet tall and 300 pounds, big enough to scare away even monsters like Michael Moore, and that's saying something. Well, remember a few sentences ago when I said I encountered my awkward moment? No, I haven't forgotten, here it goes: after I got my card key and room key I was thoroughly like "..." and well ready to get a look at my apartment when the guy gave out this half-yelp half command like noise... "now I already went over the maintenance, one more thing.. If you're going to have sex, for god sakes put sheets on the mattress." I have yet to fully internalize those words.. perhaps it was made all the more mortifying by the fact that a group of girls were sitting very close to me... or perhaps it was the thought of earlier inhabitants of my room tainting my sleeping chambers... whichever the case, it tallied up to one hell of a grotesque feeling in the pit of my stomach... and I've yet to fully trust my mattress even now.. I think it's a dirty dirty whore.

Well my apartment is situated on the very brink of reality, as far away from all the other buildings as possible whilst still being on campus property. I sometimes feel like I'm travelling in the fourth circle of Dante's hell when I make the venture from campus to home with the barren scenery of untoiled earth. Buuut I'm a jovial fellow and it's all the better, I never have problems with loud music in the night and the quiet suits me perfectly. Also, there's never any trouble with parking and I have my own little parking spot that I even personalized with a ghetto looking name sign... so I can feel all special like the professors who get their own personalized parking spots.. it may seem silly, but threaten my parking spot and I'll unleash hell! Seriously, I pack heat. (sorry for the use of that 90's cliche ... I know... I know)

the room itself is relatively chill, mainly because it can't be much of anything else. It's about eight feet by eight feet big... when I lay on my bed I cover roughly 3/4 of the distance from wall to wall... luckily I've managed to learn chants that I repeat over and over to maintain sanity. =) ... I have my computer hooked up with no T.V.. but honestly, who watches T.V. anymore? umm.. the necessities such as a refrigerator + cell phone + food + trash + printer... is all i've scrounged up.

As for my room mates... well I'll save that for another blog..

Notice the greed of altruism

Counter intuitive to my blog title I am not going to contend that compassion and mutual kindness has an intrinsic component of greed or selfishness within it. For I am inclined - no, desperate, so very desperate that I would crawl on all fours with a naked soul completely vulnerable to the product of our self created forces that weigh in on each and every one of us needlessly day in and day out - to believe that there is geniune love and compassion that can be shared with geniune intentions between two..geniune people.

Unfortunately the righteous thought is contradicted with those last two words, for any geniune person is a product of an evolutionary chain, whose behavior and mannerisms are dictated by biological interactions via emotions whose primitive intention was to help and aid survival. Thus it follows that kindness one displays or compassion one chooses to exhibit comes from the base emotional being which itself is rooted in the need for self-preservation. In this way, one can see that such actions will then always have an intrinsic motive for manipulation..

Her name is Chihiro, she comes from Japan via an international student program, which for the life of me I could not understand why she would pay such high fees for out of the country studying until I realized the cost of living and university at Tokyo... in which case I see she has a good bargain. The very first day in our WRC (writing class) when she came in and announced the many countries she had been to, I was absolutely fascinated but too shy to initiate a conversation with her for she has the looks of a goddess. Haha, I wonder now if all my "preconcieved" innocent reasons for being interested in her, was just to distract me from the real reason - her sculpted looks. (It's alarming to me that I seem to be growing a patterned interest for asiatic people only -- I hope I don't become a racist lover - whatever that is.) Whichever the case, it's irrelevant now. Roughly a week later, I managed to strike a conversation using - you guessed it.. manipulation. aka kindness. I approached her and aknowledged her being out of the country and inquired as to if she wanted help in this english based writing class. That sounds so sweet doesn't it? Caring and compassionate. et cetera. NEIN! Looking it over through the retrospective glasses of objectivity, I only commenced the action with the primary intention of growing closer to her... would I have done the same for someone else struggling in the class who I wasn't interested in? Probably not. In this way I took something previously thought as considerate and compassionate, and turned it into manipulation. We exchanged numbers and email addresses and met later on, we shared laughs and conversation and I walked her home in the rain.. which I really need to get an umbrella. All was fun and light-hearted, but I noticed that no serious anything could develop... She would eventually leave back for Japan and we were two wholely different individuals with different interests -- not to mention her discrepency in English which made it hard for communication... Needless to say though, I still wanted her as a friend... and that's where this whole blog turns to.

We met several times later as I am teaching her how to drive, putting my one and only car at risk out of kindness of my heart? Nein... I began to feel alienated from her with our lack of conversation, so anything I could do to substitute substance with kindly gesture as to bargain her approval of me. Fortunately that manipulation doesn't work, and long story short when she walked away from class yesterday without me it all focused my perspective... and convinced me to write this blog..

I began to feel frustrated, despising her action as evil and wrong.. throwing the usual pout of which someone would suspect, "for all that I've done for her.." "i'm owed" "why are people so intrinsic with themselves" then I realized the hypocrisy of my statement. All I had done was make it convenient for me to shift the blame and wrong doing to her by disgusing my evil-intentions in apposition with cute and innocent words such as caring and compassion. Put in the real connotation - manipulation and you see the err in my ways, and how sad it is if you think about it. That one shouldn't engage acts of kindness if their intention is expectation of reciprocal activity. In a pandora's box-esque demeanor - (with all the evils in life there is still hope) I believe this blog, which demonstrates my self-consciousness can combat what I said earlier up there .. that perhaps, if people realized the reprocussions of their activity they could transcend their base emotional instincts of lesser wants and create the geniune compassion without expectation of each other. Indeed, thinking > emotions

Ha.. speaking of which..
all those missionaries who are so "philanthropic"... I wonder why...couldn't have anything to do with themselves...could it?