For what are men but vessels of words, no longer shall I confide to myself any other treatment. The forces are growing, where evil men lay in secret. Drawing from them rank and number, the plans are on the table. To what do we know is not of the question, but now to what we don't. We've listened to those about the sully areas, like the self conscious boy who does not wish to irritate and offend, we've been castrated from our place on top of the noble tower and our eagle-eyes blinded. Those we listen to are those who are afraid of us, their fear has mustered into jealousy and resistance and from them the complications arose. It's no longer worth it to determine who initially started it nor is it worthy of time anymore to contest our ego's. They have affirmed their stance through our own tools nonetheless, haha. Words no longer matter now, it is in that that can not be said that does. The forces of freedom must act, and act quickly. Too many needlessly starve and die whilst we thrive and prosper. We can't possess any self respect whilst we allow this to continue that in our power so dormant now as to have forgotten the light of day rests. We need not war nor occupation, but the alliance of the people. This is accomplished through the overthrow of the enslaver. Kim Jung-Ill can no longer be tolerated, nor his military generals. Neither can Musharraf, both an example of America's mistake in succumbing to the liberals. We're too afraid to finish Kim Jung back then, we were too afraid to finish Musharraf. We've come to support them - subsidize them - in the hopes of winning their allegiance to our cause. So to does the judge give the criminal money to stop raping his victim? Such a cowardly cause, and the international community scoffs at us even then, making us out to be the supporters of the dictators when if we tried to overthrow them like we did with Castro, the international community would be in an uproar! FIE TO THEM! Words are dependent on air to be transmitted, have they now a monopoly on the air? They have paralyzed our lungs, we no longer have access to the wind to carry our voices. Our words are what they are, they need no wind, they're formulated in our minds so right and so pure as to be self-evident, that we feel it an exercise in waste to even feel the need to speak them. Yet, it is not so, they need to be spoken - they need to be realized - the international community is nothing but an alliance of apathetic cynics! Darfur continues death, Kim Jung continues exploitation, China continues to not teach Tienanmen, and the obligatory overthrows of evils is binded with status quo shouts from a top the dungeons of the U.N. They have their intellectualized excuses so as to bind America and freedom from the rest of the world, and in half truths it carries some weight... but to what end my fellow ~ let us not even care about the inherent motivations but instead ask the question to what end should we allow such gross death and horrid living styles? The forces of evil exist because good men do nothing, and they will stand to grow. The misdirected policies used to contest these forces are not the tools of our fathers and are instead the mutated ugly hammer and sickle of them. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves in every respect. Now the courses have been set in motion, for the outside world is not static. We can only hope that Pakistan does not erupt into civil war, or that N.Korea decides to sell nukes to terrorists. We can only hope that our own government doesn't turn into them, that our electronic voting machines be rigged and new candidates turn out in the form of dictators. We can only hope with our words and definitions, but the wind is where our fate now lies due to our negligence.
---------
R.I.P. Benazir Bhutto --- we are so sorry. We who know what we did, and we who knows what you could have.
It seems so irrelevant now, but here are my (updated) grades
Texas Politics - A
Chemistry - A
Macroeconomics - A (had a real conservative professor too)
Latin - A
Writing - A
Straight A's... the only time in my life I've gotten that haha. I've applied for a lot of merit scholarships now, I hope to get a few.. I think I'm guaranteed at least 500 dollars now in grants due to 4.0 gpa. It increases with each semester. If I get them all I should have my next semester paid for completely and my fall semester as well.. I'll update on that later.
Next semester classes
Chemistry II
Chemistry lab - 5 Freakin hour class!
Latin II
Writing II
Calculus I
Should be fun. Hopefully I can get straight A's again... next fall I'll be taking the straight science slate I described earlier. I actually can't wait to get back to San Antonio, to get back to doing things and acquainted with my new room mate. I miss my daily routine of going to the gym and showing up all the homosexual body builder stereoid abusers there haha. I've actually made friends with a homosexual guy, and news reports that hell is not frozen and still boiling over. I told him about that and that he should probably confess his sins of being gay.. haha no, I'm not like that. I don't mind homosexuals so long as they don't act effeminate. Ew. I hate effeminate guys.
---And now for something completely different.---
Oh man, my first college party happened on new years day. In terms of awkwardness I can hardly describe, a general feeling of nauseating anxiety perforated through my stomach the whole day before. I would come to find out what I expected was grossly grossly wrong. So wrong in fact, that I went home the next morning seriously questioning every one of my stances on everything. I've never been so wrong in my life.
Where I went wrong was trusting Steven, a fellow who -- despite having a flamboyantly cool personality, has to fabricate stories and realities about himself so as to further depict himself as some sort of socialite god I guess. I don't know why he does it, it's not like he needs to compensate for anything, I expect he has a great social life.. well anyways, he was saying how there was going to be thirty or so girls there that he knew, that it was going to be at his cousins house that has a pool in it.. and that it'd be a lot of fun. When we got there haha, every story that he built up came crashing down. For one thing, his cousin turned out to be this really strung out crack addict - whose boyfriend had half his face paralyzed - probably from some sort of Rochambeau incident involving a baseball bat - I care not to speculate further. "aAAYAYA... yo dawg geez we'z gotz stuff,, pot is in that room - hhaa my nugga (referring to Robert, I'll get to that later) we'z calls that snoop dwahg dsg room dyawa ffdshdfa *inssert incoherent rambling* I was like.. "err wtf?" Oh ya, the house? No it was an apartment lol. A crappy small one at that. Steven didn't know his cousin's boyfriend, and other people started coming in ~ I realized at once that this wasn't Steven's party like he suggested ~ he just asked his crack addict cousin to invite whoever.. probably because he doesn't know people to invite himself.. the other guys started coming in ~ one with a baseball bat, "Yo, dawgs We'z jus got in fight anagdf g liiiikke yesterday'z in shitz with Tony, we'z been goin at it like ferr an hour an shi'iii back N' forth back N' forth.. they'z been selling pussy at that party, whole tank smelled like pussy" ~ At hearing that statement I realized intellectual discourse about the plight of women in the oppressive America's view of sexualization was out of the question. I was like "WTF" in my head, I wasn't afraid, I could have taken any one of them ~ and if they guy hit me with the bat I think that would have just made me madder..any ways you can surmise where that party went.. A lot more people did show up, but none were of any interest to me. It was all accepting and I did talk to a lot of people, up to the point where my friends got drunk and started going psycho. Jeff turned out to be an "aggressive" drunk
you have
-Wallowing drunks - those who tell you about how crappy their life is and how doom and gloom
-Sexual drunks - those who lose ALL inhibitions and I do mean ALL
-Aggressive drunks - those who equate punching someone in the face as colloquial rap artist greeting
-Intellectual drunks - those who discover the inner meaning of possessing the higher order brain instead of just the primitive one.
such and such
anyways, I want to get to Robert - he's an African American friend of mine who is perhaps the coolest person I'll ever know in my life. He's so above the rules and pressures of society, I love how he's oblivious to peer pressure. He only went to the party to make sure Sean didn't do anything stupid. He and I made a pact that we wouldn't drink despite everyone else drinking. He's so popular, very funny and talented in constructing arguments, yet doesn't feel obligated to follow other people and do the things they do. He sees parties as equally retarded as I do and for the same reasons as well. I love talking to him about intellectual things, and he's a very moral person. He's looked out for Sean when Sean needed him, and I'm not referring to just this party, a lot of shit has been going on in Sean's life and I've been away at San Antonio that Robert was there to look after him. I like how Robert thinks, he thinks a lot like me - haha I wonder if he has the same.. illness as me. The state of being an intellectual a true one ~ with the self awareness of oneself and ones environment unfortunately entails an excruciating level of pain. So sad if he goes through that too.
Lastly, I want to talk about Yalan, she'll never read this blog but I will, and I never want to forget her. You know how when you're a friend with someone for a while and you connect? Then for perhaps loss of interest or whatever you cease to see each other? Usually the person enters into this bitter form, where they condemn that friend as being unworthy in some form or another so as to preserve their own ego.. I've never done this, I've thought about her with such longing, that in what wind I've wondered has surrounded her, to what force does it blow her hair? To what environment does she walk, that she notices the things so bare? Bare of value perhaps the twigs she walks over, the trees desolate in color to be doomed to mere brown. I know she exists in the same plane I do, and I wonder if she ever thinks about the wind as I. I wonder not only about her, but the things around her, I wonder the rooms she'll be in in college, how high the ceiling. I'll wonder if she'll look at the ceiling and wonder about it as well. All the places she'll inhabit all the things so easy to exclude from thought, but that whose importance is everything we are not. If you've noticed you can not rationalize the subjective meanings I've put in these lines and this is to emphasize a point. There are those things that we can't put into words yet. It is not the question of what we know, but what we do not.
I guess, I'm doomed to never know... about her.
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