Update

I've since completed the entire park jogging course. 3 miles of jogging! Hey, for a fat*** such as myself that's an accomplishment. I'm thinking of maybe training for a Boston marathon, although you have to post a marathon run of 3 hours and 30 minutes which averages a little over 8 minutes a mile for 26 miles.

I can do 8 minute mile...for maybe a mile and a half. So there's a long way to go before I post the qualifying time.

However, if you have the will then any goal is dependent only on time. Well at least when it comes to personal goals.

Will power itself is heavily dependent on your thoughts and expectations of yourself. Your willpower is directly proportional to your ego.

I feel like I don't have the will power I used to have. Back in the day my mind would flood with thoughts and feelings as if a river had been unleashed each and every day, but now my mind feels as if it's been bunkered down and constrained and pressurized to exist only in some sort of contained vessel.

I'm entering a new phase in my life and unlike other people I perhaps don't have the equipment to make the venture a successful one. I feel as if my only chance is to follow my own path, a traditional lifestyle just seems out of reach for me or maybe I'm not reaching hard enough. Either way, I have to work harder and harder. There is hard work I can do, but in order to accomplish what I want, I have to work harder than that.

I want to become a doctor, and somewhere in me I feel it's inevitable that I will get into medical school. Even though I have such disability I feel as if my body has become a sort of ancient seaship, the kind of folklore that suffers the many assualts of the sea and yet still somehow manages to sustain itself and navigate.

I have a feeling within me that even though the divide between me and medical school seems to be analgous to the pacific ocean, I feel like it's destined. Like as if another force is in control and I will get there.

I feel so sorry for my body which has suffered so much. I assign human values to my arms, legs, head, neck, etc. And I feel though if they were alive themselves, that I have tortured them so much. Yet they seem to hold together and serve their purpose for me, through it all. In some ways the inanimate objects of my body are my closest friends, both figuratively and literaly. Throughout all the pain and storms of my life they've held steady and healthily, just as that mythological ship which has sailed through the many storms.

Certainly armed with this body of mine, I know I can make the journey a successful one. It's going to be rough, but it's also going to be fun.