Redecorating

Well, I'm back home now from college, must say I don't know how I managed to live 18 years of my life here haha. I miss the independence already. Mother throwing in her usual chore demands upon reentering this familiar abode was not reassuring in the slightest. So many memories of this place, the bed to which I spent many nights before trials of the next day ~ worrying and thinking about more peaceful times ahead - ha. How I wish I could reach my hand back into the far stretches of time and slap my hopeful past self right in the cheek... oh and take his money. The chair to which I've sat on talking to my friends and sharing so many laughs and heart breaks.. the walls to which I've stared and idly thought about such things as how point-like particles exhibit field like characteristics like the proposed Meson in mediating the strong nuclear force, and how this related to the fabric of the universe and daily life. Oh, also the T.V. where I lost my virginity to one scandalous episode of dark angel. Jessica Alba shouldn't be allowed to wear tight black leather garments, that's only a recipe for stirring up the male population in a primitive-cognitive frenzy.

Mom really hasn't changed that much, personality wise. She's still the same sensitive overbearing mother she always was, but she's picked up more hours at her school to keep herself away from the home, and I feel so guilty because I know it was me that made her comfortable here, that in my absence the only thing she has to look forward to is silence. She now quite literally teaches the entire special education population of Pflugerville *and* their retarded high school drop out brothers. It's definitely weighed on her, the 10-12 hour days, she looks soooo stressed and it kills me because I know i'm partially responsible.. don't worry mother, i'll be back this fall and things will be happy and exciting for you again. This is something I don't want to fall into with whomever I marry. That when we're 40-something and our kids are all grown up that we've grown apart to the point where we no longer communicate with each other, I think despite exploring just about everything that could be explored with each other in twenty years of familiarizing, I'd still yearn to hold my partner at age 40-something and if but not for anything else I'd never want her to feel estranged from my grasp lest I lose all faith in life and love. That I will still think of things to do with her, and one must always think of ways to make her feel beautiful, wanted, desired else she becomes a wreak and you do too.. Sigh, my dad has effectively sealed himself off from this feeling, if he ever possessed it. He's a very smart man but much too timid for love. One must never be afraid to express love, it makes one not weak but strong for it takes an immense control of ones emotional and ego center to be able to admit a greater sense of want to someone else than one would show even to themself... *sigh* how I yearn for love.. but at the moment I'm no where near stable to enjoy such a matrimony.

I wonder how my Mom is going to be like when I really *do* move away, when I really *am* gone and won't return permanently, ever. We'll have our transient visits of course and perhaps discuss times long forgotten when in those situations we strain to create the spark of memory. I certainly hope she doesn't turn into psycho cat throwing woman like one sees in the movies. My dad I invision won't change much, he hasn't invested that much "emotional" weight into me, but I am his only friend that we've discussed so many things in regards to science that without me, he has no one to talk to about his ideas and things. I may be surprised, it might actually wind up being my dad who turns into the psycho shotgun wielding grandpa.. haha. And that's another thing, when will my parents start expecting me to have grand kids? I mean, they're not hell bent on image or anything or society's expectations, but I assume they want me to gain the same memories they've gained in their life and would be very depressed if they knew that their son never enjoyed the pleasure of raising his own son...

*sigh*
This house is covered in dust now, it's been used, and it's past its prime. A recurring theme around this place, and I know this is ultimately what I have to look forward to, that which is out of my control... ultimately, I'll buy a house, and will have a wife, we'll raise kids and experience those ecstasy laden 20's and 30's together, playing helicopter with baby boy and teaching him how to steal cars... err, I mean get good grades in Math and how to stand up for moral character. Then they'll grow up and the house of which at one time was so lively and warm will turn dark and cold, and accumulate dust... Hopefully though the antiques I sell will be worth more than the crappy 50's antiques that generation got.. I mean jeez, 5 cents for a whiffle stoffer? I feel sorry for the old guy who sold that to that antique store... I'm going to be supporting myself on the antiquized Super Nintendo I sell or what not... or Two-dimensional T.V. I have.... you know, since Hillary Clinton will utterly ruin the social security system.

But perhaps it's not out of my control, yes I will age, but it doesn't have to follow this linear path of fun --> gloom, so long as the love is lively and vibrant and desired, my heart will forever race with enticement around my partner, and so, so long as I invest all my emotional and intellectual and physical wit into her, I will forever be perpetually happy for she will then never dull to me.. that even if everything rots around me she will forever be new... that when everything is absurd she will be simple, and in times of panic she will be the calm... I just have to reshape myself so that I can be likewise to her, I have to regain my intellectual ability, my passions, my physical shape... and this is all within my control.

ahh to be young again haha..

Oh.. also relevant to the title of this blog.
I want to redecorate my apartment. Firstly, by cleaning it (lyke duh) secondly.. I want a grand father clock, and a leather chair... with some plants so that I can make a little mini relaxing area to where I can study in my room and sip coffee whilst I read biochemistry next semester... I don't know, I'm really not into fashion ideas..

Another thing, it's absolutely crazy.
I just can't stop thinking about her. About Yalan. It's been two months now, and I just can't... It seems to strike me late at night as well, like I can go through the day perfectly oblivious but the second I try to sleep feelings of immense disconnection overwhelm me and I think about such a person she is and was...

I can't sleep anymore..